There, I've Said It: I'm Afraid

A wise woman (my awesome trainer Rena) once told me that all human emotions are derived from fear or love.  A wise man once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".  As I slowly work my way back to fitness, I find that there are a lot of big and little fears emerging from the background noise of my brain.

Many of them are quite rational.  We all have them.  What if I can't stick to my new habits?  What if I try a new fitness class and everyone laughs at me?  What if I fail?  I can deal with these fears, because they are conscious, rational fears that every normal person experiences.  But there are other, less rational phobias lurking in my subconcious...

About five years ago I had an interesting experience in a department store dressing room.  I had lost about 40 pounds - which at that point meant I was closing in on 190 - and was trying on some new clothes.  I caught sight of my rear view in the mirror and realized that my shape was really changing.  A waist was emerging, my butt undeniably smaller.  My legs becoming strong, toned, and...dare I say it...shapely!  My initial reaction, however, was not one of excitement and joy, as you'd expect.  No, I felt a stab of panic.  And a little nausea.  A few days later I fell off the wagon and haven't seen that weight since.

Over the past few weeks, I've given a lot of thought to that moment, as well as all the other times I lost momentum and drifted back to my old habits.  At the time, I didn't recognize my reaction for what it was - fear of the new person that was emerging.  After some thought, I'm realizing that there is a lot of unrecognized fear within me:

What if I lose all the weight, and all my problems are still there?
What if I lose all the weight, and I'm really unattractive?
What if I lose all the weight and I'm unhappy with the person I've become?
What if people have different expectations of me as a thin person?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I still...feel...FAT?

As hard as it is to admit, I think I'm afraid of the thing I have wanted more than anything else since I was about 14 - being thin.  I've always thought that being thin would solve all my problems, make me a different person, and just generally ensure that my life would be perfect.  But deep down, I know this is not true, and I'm starting to believe that's part of the reason I've had so many failures over the past 28 years.  Every time I make visible progress towards my goal, I revert back to my old habits and gain everything back, plus more. 

I know how to lose weight - my relapses have nothing to do with unsustainable fad diet plans.  The magic formula is: eat less, move more.  Choose healthy nutritious foods free of artificial ingredients.  Lots of veggies and fruits, go easy on the processed carbs.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator, keep active, build muscle and bone strength.  Eat when you're hungry, eat slowly until you're full, then stop.  Don't use food as entertainment or medication.  There's really no other way, but making those choices day after day is HARD WORK.  How can I succeed at something I secretly fear?  Can you imagine the conflict that goes on inside...the struggles...the pain?  I'm finally starting to understand why it is so difficult to say no to that second helping of pasta, that extra brownie.  It's my subconscious saying 'hell no, we don't want to be thin, that's scary!'.  I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.

Right now, I don't have any answers.  This time around, my goals are no longer just about being thin - I want to conquer the fears that keep me from living a full, healthy life.  And exposing those fears is the first step to squashing them completely.