Walking the Tightrope at Miraval

Day 4 dawned sunny and COLD!  I left my room at 7 to hit up the smoothie bar but by the time I arrived my hands were so cold that all I could think of was coffee.  So I nestled myself in front of the fireplace with some steaming hot coffee and a 50-calorie piece of coffee cake that was absolutely yummy:

While I ate, I contemplated whether it was too cold for my first class of the day, Zen Boot Camp.  I mean, it was cold out there, people - and all I had to protect me from potential frostbite (OK, it wasn't quite THAT cold, but you get the picture) was a thin fleece pullover.  After about 15 minutes of arguing with myself I decided that I was using the cold as an excuse not to try something new (and likely physically demanding) and got my butt back outside and down to the gym.

Randy was our trainer for the day, and even he looked a bit daunted by the cold!  But we all grabbed our towels and water bottles and set out for the warmup.  On the way, Randy explained that Boot Camp would be just what we expected - tough challenges and a great workout.  However, the Zen part of the workout meant that he expected us to be 100% in the moment with every move - not comparing ourselves to others or worrying about when the timer would go off.  He suggested we breathe through the exercises and allow ourselves to observe the sensations (mostly pain).  With that said, the workout began.  We started by running stairs to warm up, then we did squats.  Not up-and-down squats though - we held the position for 15 seconds, then 30, then 45, then 60.  Each time, Randy encouraged us to make small changes in our position (lean a bit forward on your feet, then back on your heels) to explore how that changed the sensations and perhaps to allow us to hold the position a bit longer.  It was a lot like yoga!  After the squats, we jogged off to the tennis courts for suicides:

These were tough but also strangely fulfilling - racing from line to line I was completely focused and really enjoying the feeling of pushing myself harder than normal.  After the suicides we headed back to the steps for pushups and a few other exercises:

After 45 minutes I was wiped out and felt great!  Quick shower then off to Mindful Eating for breakfast.

The mindful eating experience was interesting - Junelle talked a bit about the concept and then we practiced eating in total silence for several minutes.  I found myself much more connected to my food and really thinking about how it tasted and felt in my mouth.  It was definitely a good exercise!

After breakfast I decided to brave the cold and do some laps in the pool to take advantage of the sunshine and the amazing view of the mountains.  Keeping Susan's tips from our coaching session in mind, I swam about 600 yards of drills.

It felt great and I could feel definite improvements in my breathing technique.  After that I sank gratefully into the hot tub to warm up before my next class:

Barre class was next on the agenda, and this was another tough one.  We used chairs for support while doing a variety of movements with our legs.  Every muscle from my hips to my knees was shaking and weak after this class!  Signe was a great instructor and kept us laughing throughout the half hour.

 

Yet another shower and off to lunch!  The special today was sesame crusted chicken with a wasabi kick:

Yum!

After lunch I attended a lecture on Balanced Nutrition.  Junelle was our teacher and she spoke a lot about the importance of eating unprocessed foods - that Americans are essentially outsourcing their digestion by eating heavily refined foods (such as bread made with bleached white flour), because the body doesn't have to work too hard to store these foods as fats - they are easily broken down in the digestive tract into glucose.  I found this incredibly interesting and it made complete and total sense to me. 

After the lecture, I had a few moments to gather my thoughts and contemplate the next activity: the Desert Tightrope.  This is one of the Dares that takes place on the challenge course, and it involves climbing a pole to a thin cable suspended 35 feet in the air.  Using vertical ropes hanging from a higher cable, you slowly inch your way across to the other side.  Of course, the entire activity takes place in a harness, but this didn't really diminish my anxiety too much.  There are a lot of Dares to choose from - some involve jumping off a 40 foot platform, others involve swinging 35 feet in the air, but for some reason this one really appealed to me.   I knew that the hardest part (at least mentally) would be climbing that pole - I am deathly afraid of ladders! 

Connor showed up right on time to lead Dana, Alex, Rod, Linda and me down to the challenge course, where he explained what would be happening that day.  We each talked a bit about our expectations for the day and then it was into the harnesses.  They weren't pretty, but as they were going to be the only thing standing between me and a broken leg I wasn't really complaining!  We got some final tips on how we would get down, a suggestion to climb with our legs rather than our arms, a reminder to breath through the fear and his blessing to come back to earth at any time during the exercise.  Then it was go time.

I ascended the ladder without too much trouble - having the bolle line attached to my back was comforting (although it kept banging into my helmet at first which was kind of distracting).  

 

At the top of the ladder I panicked a bit, but remembered to breath and took my first step onto the pole.  There were large metal staples to use for hand and footholds, but when I grabbed the first one I realized they were much farther apart than they looked from the ground.  Another mini-panic attack started to manifest, and I stopped it by breathing and trying to relax.  I started to climb.  

A couple steps in and I realized that this would be much tougher than it looked - I felt weak from my two hard workouts in the morning and combined with the panic that I was barely keeping under control my legs were shaking uncontrollably.  I stopped and hugged the pole.

 

Crap, I thought.  I'm barely off the ladder and I can't go any further.  I've been thinking about this moment all week, planning for success and here I am not even able to make it to the stupid cable!  I breathed, hugged the pole and remembered that I had counted the staples while I was on the ground and there were 20 of them to go until I could step out onto the cable.  I can do 20 of anything, right?  OK Shrinking Jill, just breathe...breathe...just do one more step.  That's it, you can do this...your legs are shaking but you won't fall, you're in this nice safe harness...one more step...one more...God this is hard...one more...

Then I was almost to the cable:

And then suddenly I was stepping out over thin air:

As I started to let go of the pole, Connor yelled up to me "Take a moment to breathe and enjoy the view!"  I did just that, and could feel myself relax.  It was much easier to be on the cable than climbing the pole!  After gathering myself, I began to inch slowly to the right - holding on to the nearest staple with my left hand, blindly groping around for the closest rope with my right.  I caught the rope and began to let go of the pole.  Oh boy, that's when things got REALLY hard.  It took all my strength to keep my feet on the cable and my body upright - I was swaying back and forth, my knees were buckling, every muscle in my body was trembling...but somehow I managed to keep moving until I was just holding onto the first rope - about 4 feet away from the pole.  At that point I felt like my muscles were almost at the point of failure - I was swaying and shaking - but amazingly I wasn't that scared anymore.  

 

I told myself I could come down as soon as I made it to the next rope.  Slowly, inch by inch, I kept going.  I looked to my right and saw the next rope and grabbed just in time to avoid pitching backwards off the cable. 

 

At that point I decided I was done and yelled down to Connor that I was ready to come down.  I worked myself another foot to the right so I was directly under the second rope and sat back in the harness. 

Connor slowly lowered me to the ground and it was over.  This was a very physical challenge and I was very weak and shaky...but also very proud.  A year ago I wouldn't have been able to get up that pole at all - I would have made it a few steps past the ladder and given up.  It felt so good to face that fear and win!

Each of us had varying degrees of success - two people made it completely across, one person made it about two thirds of the way up the pole and asked to be let down, and one person made it about two thirds of the way before he lost his footing and slipped off.  Overall this was a truly amazing experience, the highlight of my trip, and I'm hoping to come back next year and give it another go!  

After the challenge was over, I headed back to my room for some R&R.  It was warm enough to sit on the patio so I sipped a cup of tea and enjoyed the view of snow on the mountains:

After that I trotted up to Evening Meditation, but not before stopping off in the lounge from some asparagus wrapped in prosciutto!  YUM!

The meditation took place in the yoga center, and Natasha had comfy backrests set up for all of us:

We meditated on the chakras, starting with Muladhara and working our way up to Sahasrara.  Natasha helped us focus our attention on by talking about each one in turn - its location, its purpose, and its sound.  As she finished speaking about each one she made the sound and we joined in - each one resonated through our bodies and when the sound stopped we enjoyed a reverent silence before moving on to the next one.  She finished by using glass bowls to generate a wonderful resonating tone.  The entire experience was amazing and I felt great afterwards.

I met two new friends, Jean and Carol, for dinner and we enjoyed a delicious meal with lots of great conversation.  I had grass-fed beef bruschetta as an appetizer and elk as my main - both were delish!

 

I enjoyed a glass of champagne with my meal and topped it off with the chocolate fondue (only 210 calories) which was simply heavenly!  At 9pm I returned for dinner and fell into bed for my last night in my casita.

This morning I woke up extremely sore all over, a reminder of my accomplishment on the tightrope!  What a great end to a great vacation.  Right now I need to head up to the lobby to catch my ride to the airport and wave goodbye to Miraval - tomorrow I'll post some final thoughts on my stay!

Experimenting With Hunger

In her book, The Complete Beck Diet For Life, Dr. Beck writes that you shouldn't eat unless you're experiencing true hunger pangs, and she feels that most Americans don't know what true hunger feels like.  I know I don't - I've always had trouble with this skill.  For example, last night I planned out all my food for today and have eaten everything according to plan.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and just finished a very satisfying 650-calorie dinner about 45 minutes ago.  But I still feel kinda hungry, like I need to eat something else.  Sitting here, I'm mentally reviewing what's in the fridge, trying to decide how many calories I can eat to make the hungry feeling go away without doing too much damage to my daily total.  The urge to make the hunger go away is so automatic that my brain keeps returning to the thought "you're hungry, go get something to eat" about every 90 seconds.  I just can't stomach the thought of being hungry - it makes me feel uncomfortable emotionally as well as physically.  And I do NOT like being uncomfortable!

In Dr. Beck's words, "Being hungry is not an emergency."  And my logical thinking brain knows that it's not, that I'm obviously in no danger of starving.  Hell, I have 451,535* calories stored on my body as fat - that's got to be enough to get me through at least one evening without food, right?  So why do I feel a bit panicky at the thought of not eating and feeling hungry all night?  Do I need to run a marathon tonight?  No.  Am I Scarlett O'Hara (as God is my witness...), rebuilding my plantation after it was destroyed by the Yankees?  No.  But deep down inside...and I really think this is the root of the issue...I equate hunger with being unfulfilled.  And rather than take the time to find out what I really need, I take the easy way out and stuff the feelings down with food, rather than experience and deal with them. 

I could always drink a glass of water to make the hungry feeling go away, but I think this evening I'm going to feel the hunger, and prove to myself that the world won't end if I'm not fed.  I've never been one to just sit with a feeling, physical or emotional, and just experience it.  Not try to change it, fix it, make it better or worse - just experience it.  So tonight I'm going to do just that - I have a quiet evening planned at home, by myself.  I'm just going to putter around the house, maybe read, maybe do some housework, and just be hungry.

FYI - Jen at PriorFatGirl.com has a great discussion going today on this very topic - check out the action here.

*The reason I know the exact number?  I had my body fat checked yesterday.  Ouch.  But that's another post entirely.

There, I've Said It: I'm Afraid

A wise woman (my awesome trainer Rena) once told me that all human emotions are derived from fear or love.  A wise man once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".  As I slowly work my way back to fitness, I find that there are a lot of big and little fears emerging from the background noise of my brain.

Many of them are quite rational.  We all have them.  What if I can't stick to my new habits?  What if I try a new fitness class and everyone laughs at me?  What if I fail?  I can deal with these fears, because they are conscious, rational fears that every normal person experiences.  But there are other, less rational phobias lurking in my subconcious...

About five years ago I had an interesting experience in a department store dressing room.  I had lost about 40 pounds - which at that point meant I was closing in on 190 - and was trying on some new clothes.  I caught sight of my rear view in the mirror and realized that my shape was really changing.  A waist was emerging, my butt undeniably smaller.  My legs becoming strong, toned, and...dare I say it...shapely!  My initial reaction, however, was not one of excitement and joy, as you'd expect.  No, I felt a stab of panic.  And a little nausea.  A few days later I fell off the wagon and haven't seen that weight since.

Over the past few weeks, I've given a lot of thought to that moment, as well as all the other times I lost momentum and drifted back to my old habits.  At the time, I didn't recognize my reaction for what it was - fear of the new person that was emerging.  After some thought, I'm realizing that there is a lot of unrecognized fear within me:

What if I lose all the weight, and all my problems are still there?
What if I lose all the weight, and I'm really unattractive?
What if I lose all the weight and I'm unhappy with the person I've become?
What if people have different expectations of me as a thin person?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I still...feel...FAT?

As hard as it is to admit, I think I'm afraid of the thing I have wanted more than anything else since I was about 14 - being thin.  I've always thought that being thin would solve all my problems, make me a different person, and just generally ensure that my life would be perfect.  But deep down, I know this is not true, and I'm starting to believe that's part of the reason I've had so many failures over the past 28 years.  Every time I make visible progress towards my goal, I revert back to my old habits and gain everything back, plus more. 

I know how to lose weight - my relapses have nothing to do with unsustainable fad diet plans.  The magic formula is: eat less, move more.  Choose healthy nutritious foods free of artificial ingredients.  Lots of veggies and fruits, go easy on the processed carbs.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator, keep active, build muscle and bone strength.  Eat when you're hungry, eat slowly until you're full, then stop.  Don't use food as entertainment or medication.  There's really no other way, but making those choices day after day is HARD WORK.  How can I succeed at something I secretly fear?  Can you imagine the conflict that goes on inside...the struggles...the pain?  I'm finally starting to understand why it is so difficult to say no to that second helping of pasta, that extra brownie.  It's my subconscious saying 'hell no, we don't want to be thin, that's scary!'.  I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.

Right now, I don't have any answers.  This time around, my goals are no longer just about being thin - I want to conquer the fears that keep me from living a full, healthy life.  And exposing those fears is the first step to squashing them completely.

Hip Hop Class: The Great Equalizer

I posted yesterday that if I got the chance to dance in public, I would.  Well....my gym recently added a hip hop aerobic dance class on Thursday nights.  This is actually something I've wanted to try for awhile, but as usual I felt awkward and self conscious.  It always helps my confidence to have a buddy when doing something new, so I asked a friend to go - but she had plans for the next few Thursday nights.  So in the spirit of Get Over Yourself Day, I decided to go by myself tonight and see what the class was like.

The students were a mixed bag - a lot of young, fit women in cute outfits, a couple women my age, one or two women my size, and a much older man wearing a bandana around his head.  Much to my amusement, he planted himself right in the front row and proceeded to get right down with his bad self!   Anyway, the majority of the students were in great shape, and intimidation started to creep in.  I reminded myself that these women were going to be so busy checking out their moves in the mirror that they wouldn't be bothered looking at my spastic dancing all the way in the back row.  And honestly, my only expectation of this class was to get a good cardio workout and maybe learn a few moves to try out on a dance floor - not to end up as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

I am sorry to report that I am not an undiscovered dance prodigy.  In fact, I am SPECTACULARLY BAD at hip hop dancing.  And I felt really uncomfortable for the first several minutes of the class.  But then, something happened.  The music was really good, the instructor was enthusiastic, and somehow I just let myself go.  I 'unclenched' and just felt the music, and next thing I knew I was jumping around without caring what anyone else thought and I was having a blast!  Seriously, this class was so much fun!  And here's the best part - when I finally took a break to catch my breath, I saw the most amazing thing...all those skinny girls, in the cute little outfits...they were just as uncoordinated as I was!  I couldn't help but laugh to myself - I was so worried I was going to be the only one that couldn't dance, but the reality was sooooooo different.  In spinning class everyone was super fit and knew all the moves.  In hip hop class we were all equal, regardless of shape or size.  Suddenly I was no longer intimidated - we were all on the same playing field.  I swear my dance moves got a little better after that (but this is probably just my imagination).

We did 40 minutes of hiphop, another 10 minutes of salsa and chacha, and then one African tribal dance that was really fun.  My heart rate stayed above 150 for the entire class and I was drenched in sweat at the end of the hour.  I learned lots of new moves, most of which involved sticking out my butt and/or rolling my hips.  I am great at sticking out my backside, but the hip rolls, well I need some work on them.  It just doesn't come naturally!  But overall, this class was a great confidence booster, and most importantly I managed to forget myself for awhile and just have some pure, unadulterated fun.

Get Over Yourself

Have you ever felt self conscious?  Perhaps about a specific physical feature, such as your nose, your hair, or your ears?  Think that you can't dance, worry if your butt jiggles when you walk?  Everyone has something about themselves that causes them to obsess - but what happens when that obsession grows to the point where it interferes with your ability to enjoy life?

I have really fat arms (there - I've said it out loud) and usually try to cover them up.  Other parts of my body are just as flabby, but for some reason my arms are a source of torture.  Six months before my wedding, I went dress shopping with my mom and sister, and picked out a gorgeous strapless white dress that we all loved.  I thought I had plenty of time to lose weight and tone my arms.  Alas, that did not happen.  Big surprise - why would I think I'd be able to change decades of habits at one of the most stressful times of my life?  The wedding arrived and of course I had lost nothing - and had no choice but to wear my strapless, sleeveless, nothing-left-to-the-imagination dress.  And guess what - it didn't matter!  I didn't think about my arms at all and had a blast - I felt beautiful and sexy and just like a princess the entire time.  The proof is in the pictures - nobody is staring in horror and in every shot I am glowing with happiness even though my flabby arms are there for all to see - flapping in the wind on the dance floor in all their doughy glory. 

My point is this - so often I let myself miss out on a fun experience because I am self conscious.  For example, I rarely dance in public because I am worried about how I'll look.  As a result, I often end up sitting around at parties watching everyone else have fun.  This is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live like I did at my wedding - having the time of my life, feeling beautiful, and not caring what anyone else thinks.  Because really, nobody has time to worry about what I look like - they are too busy worrying about themselves!  It's time to stop the madness.  For one whole day I will just 'be' - I will not worry that others are judging or thinking negative thoughts about me - when they are most likely wondering if they have food from lunch stuck in their front teeth.  I declare today to be Get Over Yourself Day!  And if I have a chance to dance in public today, I'm gonna do it!

I would love to hear from all of you - what are you self conscious about?  How is it holding you back in life?  What will you do today to get over yourself?

Facing Down Fear...or...Why my butt really hurts today

This morning I faced down one of my long-standing fears: spinning class. For the uninitiated, spinning is indoor cycling on a special stationary bike, in a group setting, with an instructor that talks you through moves designed to simulate riding on different terrains. It is touted as one the highest calorie burn workouts you can do, and the creator, Johnny G, has achieved cult-like status among his ‘disciples’. He invented spinning as a convenient and quick way to train for races - and with the cold weather coming on, I need to find an alternative to outdoor cycling to keep up with my triathlon training.

I have wanted to try spinning for years - devotees rave about the calorie burn and the toning, and their physiques certainly speak for themselves. But I have observed a few classes (from a safe distance on a nearby treadmill) and was skeptical about whether I could actually keep up with the pace. During class, which takes place in a very dim (read: creepy) room, there is a lot of grunting and yelling going on. The seats are narrow and hard. Really narrow, and really hard. All of the participants are drenched in sweat within minutes. In fact, most instructors leave the door to the spinning room open during class so the humidity doesn't get so high it rains.

And of course virtually everyone in the class has a rock-hard body and carries an air of intensity and determination that quite frankly intimidates the hell out of me. They all wear skimpy, form fitting clothes - some even have special shoes that look really uncomfortable. Normally, I have no objection to uncomfortable shoes - think pointy toes and 4-inch stiletto heels - but these fancy cycling shoes are anything but pretty, and I doubt they will do much to show off my pedicure:

Are you kidding me? These things are U-G-L-Y-you-ain’t-got-no-alibi ugly.  They make my MBTs look almost sexy.

Shoes aside, I was just plain scared and intimidated, and had built my fear up to mammoth proportions.  But this fitness journey I'm on is all about changing my way of life, and facing fear is a big part of that process.  So this weekend I decided it was time to (wo)man-up and just go.  At my husband's advice, I got myself a gel seat cover (seriously, those seats are HARD) and picked a 45-minute class early on Saturday morning in hopes that it wouldn't be too packed with regulars.

I arrived early to get a good spot, then sort of slunk towards the back row and claimed a bike near the door in case I needed to beat a hasty retreat. I tried to adjust the seat and handlebars on my own, did it wrong (almost tipped the bike over on myself in the process) and then found a kind woman in the front row to help me set up. She told me to just go at my own pace, regardless of what the rest of the class was doing, and reminded me that everyone is a beginner at some point. Wise advice, that. The instructor, Toni, was also encouraging, and the woman on the bike next to me was very kind and supportive. So far, so good. I got my gel seat cover situated, and found that the seat was still really hard. Sigh.

Class started, nice easy pedaling - hey, I can do this! - and then....then...all hell broke loose. The instructor started yelling things like 'Gimmee some tension - I need more tension' and this weird guy a couple bikes to my left started yelling 'WOO' at random intervals. WTF? Get out of the saddle, lean forward, focus, go half your max, gimmee some tension...I was so confused. In an effort not to look like a complete idiot, I just copied whatever the guy in front of me did.  The class was really hard, and there were several times that I just couldn't keep up. But the instructor came over a couple times to give me some tips, and the kind woman next to me said I was doing 'fabulous'. After about 30 minutes my legs were so shaky that I could no longer stand up on the bike so I just stayed seated and changed the tension on the bike when she shouted (all the while trying to ignore the fact that my butt bones were screaming in pain). The music was great (AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Guns-n-Roses), and LOUD - just the way I like it - and at the 40 minute mark I thought "Wow, I just made it through my first spin class and survived! Nothing left but the cool-down!". That's when the instructor announced we would be going for a full hour...

After class, I hopped on a treadmill at a nice easy pace and walked for about 15 minutes to loosen up my legs and reflect on the morning's accomplishment. Then I caught up with Ken, who was just getting out of a step class in the next room, and gave him my verdict: Challenging but fun. I'll definitely do it again - hopefully regularly. And it feels amazing to have faced down my fear and survived.  But wow, does my butt hurt!!!!  And I'm not wearing those stupid shoes until Kate Spade comes out with a line of cycling gear.