Experimenting With Hunger

In her book, The Complete Beck Diet For Life, Dr. Beck writes that you shouldn't eat unless you're experiencing true hunger pangs, and she feels that most Americans don't know what true hunger feels like.  I know I don't - I've always had trouble with this skill.  For example, last night I planned out all my food for today and have eaten everything according to plan.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and just finished a very satisfying 650-calorie dinner about 45 minutes ago.  But I still feel kinda hungry, like I need to eat something else.  Sitting here, I'm mentally reviewing what's in the fridge, trying to decide how many calories I can eat to make the hungry feeling go away without doing too much damage to my daily total.  The urge to make the hunger go away is so automatic that my brain keeps returning to the thought "you're hungry, go get something to eat" about every 90 seconds.  I just can't stomach the thought of being hungry - it makes me feel uncomfortable emotionally as well as physically.  And I do NOT like being uncomfortable!

In Dr. Beck's words, "Being hungry is not an emergency."  And my logical thinking brain knows that it's not, that I'm obviously in no danger of starving.  Hell, I have 451,535* calories stored on my body as fat - that's got to be enough to get me through at least one evening without food, right?  So why do I feel a bit panicky at the thought of not eating and feeling hungry all night?  Do I need to run a marathon tonight?  No.  Am I Scarlett O'Hara (as God is my witness...), rebuilding my plantation after it was destroyed by the Yankees?  No.  But deep down inside...and I really think this is the root of the issue...I equate hunger with being unfulfilled.  And rather than take the time to find out what I really need, I take the easy way out and stuff the feelings down with food, rather than experience and deal with them. 

I could always drink a glass of water to make the hungry feeling go away, but I think this evening I'm going to feel the hunger, and prove to myself that the world won't end if I'm not fed.  I've never been one to just sit with a feeling, physical or emotional, and just experience it.  Not try to change it, fix it, make it better or worse - just experience it.  So tonight I'm going to do just that - I have a quiet evening planned at home, by myself.  I'm just going to putter around the house, maybe read, maybe do some housework, and just be hungry.

FYI - Jen at PriorFatGirl.com has a great discussion going today on this very topic - check out the action here.

*The reason I know the exact number?  I had my body fat checked yesterday.  Ouch.  But that's another post entirely.

Resisting The Cupcakes --OR-- Why Starbucks Is Part Of My Workout Routine

Every morning on the way to work I head to Starbucks to get my daily coffee fix.  It's a part of my morning routine that I look forward to every day - it doesn't add too many calories, I enjoy exchanging a few jokes and pleasantries with the baristas, and the coffee gets me ready for a busy day.  All in all, it's a harmless guilty pleasure. 

But....as I stand in line each morning, I inevitably end up gazing in loving admiration at the baked goods, for which Starbucks is legendary.  Some are year round staples, and some come and go with the seasons (alas, the peppermint brownie has gone the way of the Christmas decorations and music) (not that I care, because of course I've never had one) (yeah, right).  This year the peppermint brownie has been replaced with cupcakes.  Red.  Velvet.  Cupcakes.  Yum.

**short break while I wipe the drool off my keyboard**

This morning as I was blatantly ogling looking at them while I waited for my coffee I thought "Why on earth do I do this to myself every morning?  One day I am going to give in and it won't be worth it.  Then I'll feel guilty, probably binge as a result, and have to work extra hard to relose the weight I've gained.  I just could buy a pound of coffee, make my drink at home and not have to worry about this temptation."

Hmmm.  ShrinkingJill, you've got a good point there.  Why not set yourself up for success rather than failure?

Then I considered Judith Beck's thoughts about strengthening mental muscles - the giving-in muscle vs. the resistance muscle.  Every time I eat something that wasn't in my plan, I'm strengthening my giving-in muscle, and every time I'm faced with a choice and stick to my plan I'm strengthening my resistance muscle.  When we don't work our muscles, they atrophy.  You wouldn't do biceps curls every day until you had the biceps of your dreams, and then just stop working them, right?  You'd keep doing those curls to make sure the muscle stays exactly the way you want it to be.  So it goes with the resistance muscle...if I don't challenge myself regularly it will get weaker. 

So, I'm going to think of my morning Starbucks excursion as my daily resistance muscle exercise.  My chance to start the day off right by saying NO rather than YES.  Some people start the day with situps or pushups right after they jump out of bed - I'm going to stare down those cupcakes every morning and show them who's boss.   Me.

Breakthrough

After lunch today I was hit with a strong craving for chocolate cake.  I thought about the food I had left in my lunch bag (4 clementines and a banana) and then thought about the spare change in my wallet (vending machine run, perhaps?).  What was going to satisfy this craving?  Or what if I just tried to figure out what I was really craving?  Was chocolate cake going to do the job (and just for the record I was envisioning an enormous slice of the cake they serve at Macaroni Grill...moist, warm and drenched in hot fudge, mmmmmmm) or did I need something else?  I decided to eat a couple clementines and wander over to Jenn's cube for a chat.  We talked about chocolate cake, and diets in general, and the conversation meandered around for a bit.  I ate both clementines.  And then the most remarkable thing happened - I really wasn't interested in cake anymore.  Perhaps my craving was for a distraction from my work, rather than food?   I think I may have just successfully done what all the diet books tell you to do...redirect yourself when you are craving something unhealthy.  This may not seem like much, but I am so used to giving in to my cravings that riding one out is truly a foreign concept to me.  Judith Beck describes giving in to a craving as 'strengthening your giving-in muscle' and suggests that each time you are faced with a choice you need to decide which muscle you're going to strengthen - the giving-in one or the willpower one.  I know which one I chose today!

BTW, I started reading the Complete Beck Diet for Life and I'm really impressed.  Jen over at Prior Fat Girl started a book club to discuss it - check out the action here.

Now back to work...

Crisis of Faith

For the past week or so I've been struggling to keep myself motivated to eat well.  I've been trying to jolly myself along with inspirational quotes but this weekend I really let things go.  Friday was a company Christmas party and the only choices were fried.  Fried cheese, fried potato skins, fried chicken...although I counted everything I ate, I ended up skipping dinner to compensate.  On Saturday night I allowed myself to eat with something resembling reckless abandon...the food was yummy and I was enjoying my visit with an old friend, so I decided to absolve myself of guilt and vowed to eat only healthy foods the next day.  Sunday started well, with fruit and almonds and green tea...but then later in the afternoon I was hit with such a feeling of overwhelming mental fatigue contemplating all the hard work I have ahead of me.  Constantly watching my food, making an effort to exercise 5 days a week, trying to make choices that will help me reach my goals - I became exhausted just thinking about it! Day after day, year after year, I know it will never be easy for me to reach my goal weight or to maintain it.  But you know what would be easy?  Giving up on the exercise and just eating whatever I want.  So very...very.......very...............easy.

So I ate.  Somehow I found myself with a piece of Popeye's chicken in one hand and a biscuit in another...fast forward a couple hours and I finished off an entire Amy's organic pizza.  Although the scale said 248 this morning, I know that the damage I did this weekend will catch up with me eventually.  Today was lunch out with some coworkers, tomorrow will be the same - I feel myself getting pulled back into the old habits and I'm scared.  It feels like the momentum I was gathering has stalled, and it would be so easy to order a pizza and wash it down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's...so very very easy...is this how heroin addicts end up on the streets again?

I'm trying to head this off at the pass before it becomes a full-on binge.  I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I can take the high road and dive back into my new life, or I can slide back towards my old self and then spend weeks fighting to get back to where I am now...I need an intervention, I need to take a stand!  I can't take the easy path, eating comfort food and lying on the couch, because although right now that is the path of least effort, it WILL NOT be easy to recover from a heart attack or stroke.  It will not be easy to take medication for type II diabetes.  It will not be easy to recover from a knee replacement when I am 60 years old and 300 pounds.

But what I really need to remember, every time I see a cookie or a slice of pizza...IT IS NOT EASY to weigh 248 pounds - nothing fits, I'm out of breath walking up 2 flights of stairs, I can't sit comfortably in an airline seat, I can't cross my legs, my wedding ring doesn't fit...in fact NOTHING about being overweight is easy.  Absolutely nothing.

Perspective

This past weekend I continued sorting through boxes of old clothes, trying to find some goal outfits that would fit me 20 pounds from now, 40 pounds from now, and so on.  I came across this:

This is a tennis skirt I wore as a senior in high school.  It has a 26" waist.  Seeing this skirt, tangible evidence that I really was that size once in my life, brought me to tears for that 17-year old girl that thought she was fat.  I had no idea how bad things would get.

I first remember becoming aware of my weight in the 5th grade.  I wasn't skinny like the other girls but I was probably a normal weight for my age.  When I was 12 years old I weighed 128 pounds at 5'2".  That's when I went on my first diet - I wanted to lose 10 pounds.  Although I knew I wasn't fat, I was becoming chubby and felt inadequate.

I also had my mom's full blessing to do this, believe it or not.  For most of her life she was very thin - before she became pregnant with me at 40 years old, she weighed 108 pounds.  Weight problems, heart disease and diabetes run on both sides of my family, my mom struggled with her weight after my birth, and she was concerned that I was beginning to develop a weight problem.  In retrospect, if she hadn't made such a big deal out of my size I probably would have outgrown it and been fine.  Unfortunately she did make a big deal out of it, year after painful year, and although my weight remained pretty stable until I went to college, as soon as I was out from under my mom's control I rebelled and gained weight.  A lot.  Every year.  I used to dread coming home because I knew I'd get a comment, or a look, or even worse - an offer to reward me with money, clothes or something else if I'd just lose 50 pounds.  When she was really desperate she'd remind me that I would never find a boyfriend if I didn't lose weight. One time she even took food out of my hands...IN PUBLIC...saying 'you don't need to eat that'.  You can imagine the amount of resentment and anger that built up inside me, not to mention the underlying feelings of 'you don't love me because I'm fat'.  Tough stuff to cope with, that's for sure.  And my coping mechanism was food, so of course I gained more weight.

I don't blame my mom for my weight problem - I take responsibility for every bite that goes into my mouth, and every hour I've spent in front of the TV instead of going for a walk.  I understand that all her criticism came from her own low self-esteem, and that she truly thought she was doing the right thing by trying to get me to lose weight.  She wanted to me to be healthy, happy and to live a long prosperous life.  She just didn't have the tools to effectively deal with my emerging weight issues, because she didn't have the tools to deal with her own issues.  She loved me very much and tried her best.  I get that.

But it has taken me many, many years to understand my mom's actions.  I think part of the reason this particular weight loss effort seems so different than every other time I've tried is that I've finally forgiven myself and my mom for everything that happened in the past, and I'm looking to what lies ahead instead of regretting the past.  I can recognize when I'm eating to dull emotional pain or cope with stress - even when the pain and stress might not be obvious.  I can also recognize when I'm eating out of rebellion - someone will make an offhand comment that will sound so much like my mom's criticisms that I feel a sudden urge to eat something in response.  40 years of patterns are hard to change, but recognizing that you are human, that you make mistakes and that you can reprogram your destiny is the first step in the journey.  I feel like I'm finally at that point.

So I cried for that girl, because she had such low self esteem, because she didn't love herself enough to take care of herself, because she had no idea how hard it would be to take off the weight in 25 years.  And I cried for myself, for all the pain I've put myself through, for all the time I've wasted looking for happiness in all the wrong places, for all my regrets.  Then I dried my eyes, put the skirt into my 'goals' pile, and forgave myself for all my mistakes. 

It's likely that I'll never fit into that skirt again (although I will keep trying).  But I'm going to hold onto it as a reminder of the girl I used to be, and the woman I am now, and how much both of us have been through.  It's been a long, painful journey but we made it, and now it's our time to shine.

There, I've Said It: I'm Afraid

A wise woman (my awesome trainer Rena) once told me that all human emotions are derived from fear or love.  A wise man once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".  As I slowly work my way back to fitness, I find that there are a lot of big and little fears emerging from the background noise of my brain.

Many of them are quite rational.  We all have them.  What if I can't stick to my new habits?  What if I try a new fitness class and everyone laughs at me?  What if I fail?  I can deal with these fears, because they are conscious, rational fears that every normal person experiences.  But there are other, less rational phobias lurking in my subconcious...

About five years ago I had an interesting experience in a department store dressing room.  I had lost about 40 pounds - which at that point meant I was closing in on 190 - and was trying on some new clothes.  I caught sight of my rear view in the mirror and realized that my shape was really changing.  A waist was emerging, my butt undeniably smaller.  My legs becoming strong, toned, and...dare I say it...shapely!  My initial reaction, however, was not one of excitement and joy, as you'd expect.  No, I felt a stab of panic.  And a little nausea.  A few days later I fell off the wagon and haven't seen that weight since.

Over the past few weeks, I've given a lot of thought to that moment, as well as all the other times I lost momentum and drifted back to my old habits.  At the time, I didn't recognize my reaction for what it was - fear of the new person that was emerging.  After some thought, I'm realizing that there is a lot of unrecognized fear within me:

What if I lose all the weight, and all my problems are still there?
What if I lose all the weight, and I'm really unattractive?
What if I lose all the weight and I'm unhappy with the person I've become?
What if people have different expectations of me as a thin person?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I still...feel...FAT?

As hard as it is to admit, I think I'm afraid of the thing I have wanted more than anything else since I was about 14 - being thin.  I've always thought that being thin would solve all my problems, make me a different person, and just generally ensure that my life would be perfect.  But deep down, I know this is not true, and I'm starting to believe that's part of the reason I've had so many failures over the past 28 years.  Every time I make visible progress towards my goal, I revert back to my old habits and gain everything back, plus more. 

I know how to lose weight - my relapses have nothing to do with unsustainable fad diet plans.  The magic formula is: eat less, move more.  Choose healthy nutritious foods free of artificial ingredients.  Lots of veggies and fruits, go easy on the processed carbs.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator, keep active, build muscle and bone strength.  Eat when you're hungry, eat slowly until you're full, then stop.  Don't use food as entertainment or medication.  There's really no other way, but making those choices day after day is HARD WORK.  How can I succeed at something I secretly fear?  Can you imagine the conflict that goes on inside...the struggles...the pain?  I'm finally starting to understand why it is so difficult to say no to that second helping of pasta, that extra brownie.  It's my subconscious saying 'hell no, we don't want to be thin, that's scary!'.  I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.

Right now, I don't have any answers.  This time around, my goals are no longer just about being thin - I want to conquer the fears that keep me from living a full, healthy life.  And exposing those fears is the first step to squashing them completely.

Impatient, Discouraged and Re-energized

Today I was feeling both impatient and discouraged.  Impatient, because I've been at this for a few weeks and my pants don't feel any looser, and discouraged, because I am starting to feel overwhelmed about the huge task I have before me - although I don't have a firm goal weight in mind, I kind of like the idea of getting to 160 - which is about 100 pounds from now.

There's not much I can do about the impatience - I know if I trust the process, the results will come.  And although I've lost about 5 pounds in 3 weeks, I can't expect to see visible results on my waistline for awhile.  But what I can do is appreciate the muscle tone that I feel developing under all my insulation and use that as my confirmation that I'm making changes to my body.

Feeling discouraged - well, that's more of a concern to me.  That type of emotion can quickly lead to giving up entirely, and I need to nip that in the bud before it takes hold.  I talked over my concerns with my awesome trainer, Rena Raso, and she suggested some realistic long term goals might be in order.  My first thought was 'I want to be small enough by next August to fit into an XL wetsuit for the triathlon'.  So we talked about what that weight might be, and I think that would be about 190 pounds.  Which is about 70 pounds in 9 months.  Breaking it down further, that's about 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds per week.  Which might be attainable for the first couple months, but as my weight decreases, so will the number of calories I burn...and so will the amount of food I can eat to maintain a 2 pound per week loss...and.....hmmm.  I'm not a contestant on The Biggest Loser - I have a real life to live with social activities and a full-time job.  Rena suggested that a more reasonable goal might be 10 pounds a month for the first couple months, then 5 pounds per month after that - a little over a pound a week - a 500-600 calorie deficit per day.  So I've set my sights on losing 50 pounds by July 1, 2010, or a mid-term goal weight of 212 pounds.  This means I might not be able to get a wetsuit that fits me before the triathlon, but really, it's only a half-mile August swim in the Schuylkil River, not a winter crossing of the English Channel.  I think I'll survive.

Now that I have a concrete goal in mind, I'm feeling much more energized and excited!  I've already lost 10% of my 50 pounds, and suddenly I see progress instead of stagnation and frustration.  And I'm thinking about mini-fitness goals to set as well - such as being able to jog for 5 minutes, swimming 200 yards without stopping, and conquering some of the yoga poses I've been struggling with.  And for those of you who would like to follow my numerical progress I have added a stats bar to my page for weekly updates, to be accompanied by occasional 'Now' pictures. 

I'd love to hear from everyone out there - what are your goals?  Do you prefer to break things up into mini-goals, or just keep your eye on the prize and work towards one big goal?

Hip Hop Class: The Great Equalizer

I posted yesterday that if I got the chance to dance in public, I would.  Well....my gym recently added a hip hop aerobic dance class on Thursday nights.  This is actually something I've wanted to try for awhile, but as usual I felt awkward and self conscious.  It always helps my confidence to have a buddy when doing something new, so I asked a friend to go - but she had plans for the next few Thursday nights.  So in the spirit of Get Over Yourself Day, I decided to go by myself tonight and see what the class was like.

The students were a mixed bag - a lot of young, fit women in cute outfits, a couple women my age, one or two women my size, and a much older man wearing a bandana around his head.  Much to my amusement, he planted himself right in the front row and proceeded to get right down with his bad self!   Anyway, the majority of the students were in great shape, and intimidation started to creep in.  I reminded myself that these women were going to be so busy checking out their moves in the mirror that they wouldn't be bothered looking at my spastic dancing all the way in the back row.  And honestly, my only expectation of this class was to get a good cardio workout and maybe learn a few moves to try out on a dance floor - not to end up as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

I am sorry to report that I am not an undiscovered dance prodigy.  In fact, I am SPECTACULARLY BAD at hip hop dancing.  And I felt really uncomfortable for the first several minutes of the class.  But then, something happened.  The music was really good, the instructor was enthusiastic, and somehow I just let myself go.  I 'unclenched' and just felt the music, and next thing I knew I was jumping around without caring what anyone else thought and I was having a blast!  Seriously, this class was so much fun!  And here's the best part - when I finally took a break to catch my breath, I saw the most amazing thing...all those skinny girls, in the cute little outfits...they were just as uncoordinated as I was!  I couldn't help but laugh to myself - I was so worried I was going to be the only one that couldn't dance, but the reality was sooooooo different.  In spinning class everyone was super fit and knew all the moves.  In hip hop class we were all equal, regardless of shape or size.  Suddenly I was no longer intimidated - we were all on the same playing field.  I swear my dance moves got a little better after that (but this is probably just my imagination).

We did 40 minutes of hiphop, another 10 minutes of salsa and chacha, and then one African tribal dance that was really fun.  My heart rate stayed above 150 for the entire class and I was drenched in sweat at the end of the hour.  I learned lots of new moves, most of which involved sticking out my butt and/or rolling my hips.  I am great at sticking out my backside, but the hip rolls, well I need some work on them.  It just doesn't come naturally!  But overall, this class was a great confidence booster, and most importantly I managed to forget myself for awhile and just have some pure, unadulterated fun.

Get Over Yourself

Have you ever felt self conscious?  Perhaps about a specific physical feature, such as your nose, your hair, or your ears?  Think that you can't dance, worry if your butt jiggles when you walk?  Everyone has something about themselves that causes them to obsess - but what happens when that obsession grows to the point where it interferes with your ability to enjoy life?

I have really fat arms (there - I've said it out loud) and usually try to cover them up.  Other parts of my body are just as flabby, but for some reason my arms are a source of torture.  Six months before my wedding, I went dress shopping with my mom and sister, and picked out a gorgeous strapless white dress that we all loved.  I thought I had plenty of time to lose weight and tone my arms.  Alas, that did not happen.  Big surprise - why would I think I'd be able to change decades of habits at one of the most stressful times of my life?  The wedding arrived and of course I had lost nothing - and had no choice but to wear my strapless, sleeveless, nothing-left-to-the-imagination dress.  And guess what - it didn't matter!  I didn't think about my arms at all and had a blast - I felt beautiful and sexy and just like a princess the entire time.  The proof is in the pictures - nobody is staring in horror and in every shot I am glowing with happiness even though my flabby arms are there for all to see - flapping in the wind on the dance floor in all their doughy glory. 

My point is this - so often I let myself miss out on a fun experience because I am self conscious.  For example, I rarely dance in public because I am worried about how I'll look.  As a result, I often end up sitting around at parties watching everyone else have fun.  This is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live like I did at my wedding - having the time of my life, feeling beautiful, and not caring what anyone else thinks.  Because really, nobody has time to worry about what I look like - they are too busy worrying about themselves!  It's time to stop the madness.  For one whole day I will just 'be' - I will not worry that others are judging or thinking negative thoughts about me - when they are most likely wondering if they have food from lunch stuck in their front teeth.  I declare today to be Get Over Yourself Day!  And if I have a chance to dance in public today, I'm gonna do it!

I would love to hear from all of you - what are you self conscious about?  How is it holding you back in life?  What will you do today to get over yourself?

My Sneaky Subconscious

Part of my Very Active Day schedule included a trip to the mall.  The purpose of this visit was three-fold: 1. Keep my on my feet for a couple hours, 2. Give me something to do besides eat, and 3. Use my Neiman Marcus gift card.  So after an excellent workout at the gym (awesome treadmill session and swam 350 yards!), I showered and drove off to the mothership, the King of Prussia Mall.  Prior to my arrival, I worked out my parking and walking route (park at the opposite end of the mall from the stores I wanted to visit), and gave myself stern instructions that no food would be purchased aside from a tall non-fat latte at Starbucks.

I entered the mall and walked virtuously by the Cheesecake Factory, California Pizza Kitchen and Godiva with nary a sideways glance, even though I was a bit hungry.  I told myself "I don't need high-fat comfort food to fulfill me", picked up my non-fat latte and started shopping.  Stopped at a few stores, used my NM gift card and then.....I found myself in Louis Vuitton, hand on my wallet, about to hand over an obscene amount of money for a messenger bag that I did NOT need.  Nope, not at all.  Furthermore, I wasn't even sure how much I liked said bag!!  Fortunately I came to my senses in time to utter a lame excuse that it was too small for my laptop and made my escape.  Fast forward another 10 minutes, and I found myself in Williams-Sonoma about to plunk down my credit card for a pasta maker.  Came to my senses just in time (uh....I think I'll put it on my Christmas list...) and walked out of the store.  Then it hit me right between the eyes: my sneaky subconscious wasn't getting what it wanted (comfort food) so it was trying to trick me into another instantly gratifying activity - buying things I don't need just for the momentary thrill of the purchase.  Damn you, tricky brain!  At that point, I decided that right now, the mall was just as dangerous to me as a department Christmas lunch at Maggiano's.  Time to go home.

On a side note, I stopped at Genuardi's on the way home to pick up some essentials and found that cauliflower was on sale, 2/$5.  Normally I would have bought two - but check out the picture below and you'll see why I only bought one:

No, that isn't a trick ruler - this cauliflower is a foot wide!

OK, break is over, off to finish the remainder of my chores and make dinner (which will of course include cauliflower).