Cookies in the House

We have cookies in the house.  Beautiful tiny shortbread hearts, dipped in chocolate.  Yum.  They joined us last Tuesday night, straight from Whole Foods, and they are flaky and buttery and pretty much perfection itself.  But strangely enough, there are still several left.  I'm not sure what to say about that...this is completely unprecedented territory for me.  Normally they would have been gone in at least 48 hours, and there is just NO WAY they ever would have survived a weekend with me at home.  But instead of eating the whole package as a snack, I've eaten just one cookie per day, right after dinner.  Three bites to savor, and that's it.  I am stunned, amazed and proud of myself beyond belief.

And did I mention the gourmet organic milk chocolate?  It remains on the counter, unopened and ignored since Tuesday night.  It's there for me when I'm ready.  Again, speechless but proud.

The hunger experiments went well this weekend - I managed to eat 3 meals and a snack on both Saturday and Sunday and went hungry in between.  I kept myself busy by organizing things around the house, cleaning, moving furniture, posting things on Freecycle, reading, blogging, watching movies, exercising...anything but eating.  I went to bed a little hungry last night, and woke up hungry this morning.  And strangely enough, I'm starting to like feeling a bit hungry - it reminds me that my body is actively seeking other sources of energy: FAT!

Of course, riding out the hunger at home which is essentially a stress-free zone is one thing, but trying this out at work will be a new challenge.  I'm glad I practiced for a few days before going pro.  I'll check back in tonight to let y'all know how things went today!

Results of the Hunger Experiment

I'm happy to report that last night's hunger experiment went very well - I didn't eat anything for the rest of the night, my hunger died down to a tolerable level and most importantly...the world did not end.  In fact, about an hour after I wrote the post last night I'd completely forgotten about food because I got wrapped up watching the latest episode of Biggest Loser. 

The Beck Diet has quite a few experiments designed to help dieters learn new ways of thinking.  I'm planning to try most of them out - I'll post about the results as I work my way through them.

Experimenting With Hunger

In her book, The Complete Beck Diet For Life, Dr. Beck writes that you shouldn't eat unless you're experiencing true hunger pangs, and she feels that most Americans don't know what true hunger feels like.  I know I don't - I've always had trouble with this skill.  For example, last night I planned out all my food for today and have eaten everything according to plan.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and just finished a very satisfying 650-calorie dinner about 45 minutes ago.  But I still feel kinda hungry, like I need to eat something else.  Sitting here, I'm mentally reviewing what's in the fridge, trying to decide how many calories I can eat to make the hungry feeling go away without doing too much damage to my daily total.  The urge to make the hunger go away is so automatic that my brain keeps returning to the thought "you're hungry, go get something to eat" about every 90 seconds.  I just can't stomach the thought of being hungry - it makes me feel uncomfortable emotionally as well as physically.  And I do NOT like being uncomfortable!

In Dr. Beck's words, "Being hungry is not an emergency."  And my logical thinking brain knows that it's not, that I'm obviously in no danger of starving.  Hell, I have 451,535* calories stored on my body as fat - that's got to be enough to get me through at least one evening without food, right?  So why do I feel a bit panicky at the thought of not eating and feeling hungry all night?  Do I need to run a marathon tonight?  No.  Am I Scarlett O'Hara (as God is my witness...), rebuilding my plantation after it was destroyed by the Yankees?  No.  But deep down inside...and I really think this is the root of the issue...I equate hunger with being unfulfilled.  And rather than take the time to find out what I really need, I take the easy way out and stuff the feelings down with food, rather than experience and deal with them. 

I could always drink a glass of water to make the hungry feeling go away, but I think this evening I'm going to feel the hunger, and prove to myself that the world won't end if I'm not fed.  I've never been one to just sit with a feeling, physical or emotional, and just experience it.  Not try to change it, fix it, make it better or worse - just experience it.  So tonight I'm going to do just that - I have a quiet evening planned at home, by myself.  I'm just going to putter around the house, maybe read, maybe do some housework, and just be hungry.

FYI - Jen at PriorFatGirl.com has a great discussion going today on this very topic - check out the action here.

*The reason I know the exact number?  I had my body fat checked yesterday.  Ouch.  But that's another post entirely.

Resisting The Cupcakes --OR-- Why Starbucks Is Part Of My Workout Routine

Every morning on the way to work I head to Starbucks to get my daily coffee fix.  It's a part of my morning routine that I look forward to every day - it doesn't add too many calories, I enjoy exchanging a few jokes and pleasantries with the baristas, and the coffee gets me ready for a busy day.  All in all, it's a harmless guilty pleasure. 

But....as I stand in line each morning, I inevitably end up gazing in loving admiration at the baked goods, for which Starbucks is legendary.  Some are year round staples, and some come and go with the seasons (alas, the peppermint brownie has gone the way of the Christmas decorations and music) (not that I care, because of course I've never had one) (yeah, right).  This year the peppermint brownie has been replaced with cupcakes.  Red.  Velvet.  Cupcakes.  Yum.

**short break while I wipe the drool off my keyboard**

This morning as I was blatantly ogling looking at them while I waited for my coffee I thought "Why on earth do I do this to myself every morning?  One day I am going to give in and it won't be worth it.  Then I'll feel guilty, probably binge as a result, and have to work extra hard to relose the weight I've gained.  I just could buy a pound of coffee, make my drink at home and not have to worry about this temptation."

Hmmm.  ShrinkingJill, you've got a good point there.  Why not set yourself up for success rather than failure?

Then I considered Judith Beck's thoughts about strengthening mental muscles - the giving-in muscle vs. the resistance muscle.  Every time I eat something that wasn't in my plan, I'm strengthening my giving-in muscle, and every time I'm faced with a choice and stick to my plan I'm strengthening my resistance muscle.  When we don't work our muscles, they atrophy.  You wouldn't do biceps curls every day until you had the biceps of your dreams, and then just stop working them, right?  You'd keep doing those curls to make sure the muscle stays exactly the way you want it to be.  So it goes with the resistance muscle...if I don't challenge myself regularly it will get weaker. 

So, I'm going to think of my morning Starbucks excursion as my daily resistance muscle exercise.  My chance to start the day off right by saying NO rather than YES.  Some people start the day with situps or pushups right after they jump out of bed - I'm going to stare down those cupcakes every morning and show them who's boss.   Me.