Goals for 2010

At the beginning of a new year, it's hard not to make resolutions - January 1st is a dieter's dream day, when all past transgressions are wiped clean and you have the opportunity to be perfect and live your dream life.  It's an all-or-nothing thinker's paradise.

Which is exactly why I am not making any New Year's Resolutions this year.  Actually, you could say that my resolution is to stop the all-or-nothing thinking and just accept that my life is full of imperfections and mistakes.  That's what makes it so interesting, frustrating, exciting, humorous and just generally a great ride.

But I would be lying if I didn't mention the milestones and accomplishments that I would like to see happen in the next 12 months. 

Before I list this year's goals, however, I would like to reflect on some of my accomplishments from 2009 that make me proud - and to thank those of you that supported me in these achievements.  It may not be a long list, and some of the entries might seem trivial, but all of them are significant to me in one way or another and have made me a better person for the experience:

1. Started blogging - thanks to all my old and new friends - and especially my husband Ken - for your support!
2. Trained for the Breast Cancer 3-Day and learned that I can walk for 6 hours - thanks Karen, Abby, Kathy and Rose for being such a great team!
3. Raised over $12,000 towards breast cancer research with my walking team, The Blister Pack - thanks to all of you who donated time, money, support and things to sell at the yard sale!
   
4. Reconnected with a long lost & very dear friend  - thanks Michele for finding me and reaching out!
5. Took a spinning class, liked it, and went back for more
6. Danced in public
7. Eliminated artificial sweeteners from my life
8. Enlisted the aid of a personal trainer and made a commitment to a healthy lifestyle - thanks Rena for your unwavering support and friendship!
9. Joined a CSA farm - although we will not be renewing our subscription this year for various reasons, it was an amazing experience that I found very rewarding.
   

And now for my list of goals - and please take note, there are no weight loss goals in here.  Losing weight is a side effect of a healthy lifestyle - which is not a specific goal I want to achieve but rather a daily choice I want to make - which I feel is an important distinction.

In no particular order...

1. Complete a triathlon
   
2. Take a class in HTML or web design
   
3. Develop a reasonable 2 to 4-year plan for transitioning out of my current career and into one that I love
   
4. Bake a loaf of french bread from scratch
5. Write a magazine article (does not need to be published, just written)
6. Find a way to cook eggs that does not completely gross me out.
7. Keep blogging
8. Finish off the exercise room so I have a dedicated space for yoga, meditation and working out.
9. Plant a small vegetable garden
10. Reduce spending and create a budget to allow for significantly more saving - in preparation for a career change
    

Now I would love to hear your goals and/or NYR for 2010!

Yummo Granola Bars

I've been looking for a good pre-workout snack recently that would be easy to toss in my purse and eat in the car on the way to the gym.  And of course something that doesn't contain a ton of chemicals with unpronounceable names!  I'm happy to say I found an amazing recipe for homemade granola bars - they are chewy and sweet, are super-easy to make, and have no preservatives, high fructose corn syrup or other chemicals!  I substituted a half-cup of chocolate chips for the raisins (gotta have that chocolate fix), added about 1/4 cup ground flax seed to the mix, and reduced the cooking time to 25 minutes to keep them on the chewy side. 

They came out so well that I'm going to make them again as soon as this batch is gone - which will undoubtedly be very soon.  Next time I'll add some peanut butter or almond butter to give them a bit more protein - I'll report back on the results.

Analogy and confession...

Hello everyone!  Many many apologies for my long absence - I was out of town for a few days, and then we had some computer difficulties here at home which have been stealing away my attention.  I have been trying unsuccessfully to upgrade my laptop from Vista to Windows 7 - after three attempts I am still unable to complete the upgrade, but of course I am going to try over and over again until it works, because the new operating system will be worth the effort.  Actually, I think this upgrade is sort of a metaphor for my weight loss efforts...while Vista is a usable operating system, lots of features don't work properly and it keeps crashing...and while I can function at 248 pounds I'm definitely not operating at top speed (and I keep crashing).  The upgrade process is confusing, complicated and lengthy, and my first few attempts didn't work, but I know the result will be such an improvement that I'm willing to keep trying until I get it figured out.

If I'm completely honest with myself, however, I could have found a way to write amongst the traveling and computer problems.  The truth is, I ate mindlessly through the holiday right up until a couple days ago.  And I wasn't feeling too good one day last week and missed my workout...and then didn't workout for several more days.  The guilt over this lapse has kept me from posting.  Sigh.  When will I learn?  Writing down my thoughts, feelings, struggles, successes - that's what keeps me honest, whether I write it publicly or privately.  As of this morning, my weight is the same as it was a few weeks ago, and I am thankful that although I haven't made any progress on the scale, I haven't gone backwards either.  In the past, I would have gained 5 or more pounds by now, which means that I must be learning to eat less while I'm overeating (does that even make sense?).  So that's something to be proud of.

This holiday season has definitely been a learning opportunity - I didn't plan ahead for anything, let my feelings of discouragement get the best of me, and once I started on the junk food I just kept eating (all or nothing thinking).  It seems like I'm the poster child for everything that you shouldn't do when trying to get to - or maintain - a healthy weight.  The best I can do at this point is pick myself up, dust myself off, learn from my mistakes, and try to install Windows 7 one more time...

Be Your Own Santa

Right this moment my husband and I are the only ones awake and moving around in the house - hopefully the rest of the family will be up soon.  We traveled to Rhode Island this year, and the youngest person in the house is my sister's son - 24 years old - so the traditional Christmas excitement has been replaced by sleeping luxuriously late and relaxing over coffee before diving into the presents.

This year my Christmas list was pretty light - I am trying my absolute best not to acquire new things (except books!) and instead requested spinning classes, spa gift certificates and the like.  But my real Christmas list can't be delivered by Santa, wrapped and put under the tree:  the strength to make permanent healthy changes in my behavior.  Nope, I have to be my own Santa this year to make that happen!

Hope all of you have a great holiday season - and here's to peace, joy and kindness to old friends and new in the coming year!

Crisis of Faith

For the past week or so I've been struggling to keep myself motivated to eat well.  I've been trying to jolly myself along with inspirational quotes but this weekend I really let things go.  Friday was a company Christmas party and the only choices were fried.  Fried cheese, fried potato skins, fried chicken...although I counted everything I ate, I ended up skipping dinner to compensate.  On Saturday night I allowed myself to eat with something resembling reckless abandon...the food was yummy and I was enjoying my visit with an old friend, so I decided to absolve myself of guilt and vowed to eat only healthy foods the next day.  Sunday started well, with fruit and almonds and green tea...but then later in the afternoon I was hit with such a feeling of overwhelming mental fatigue contemplating all the hard work I have ahead of me.  Constantly watching my food, making an effort to exercise 5 days a week, trying to make choices that will help me reach my goals - I became exhausted just thinking about it! Day after day, year after year, I know it will never be easy for me to reach my goal weight or to maintain it.  But you know what would be easy?  Giving up on the exercise and just eating whatever I want.  So very...very.......very...............easy.

So I ate.  Somehow I found myself with a piece of Popeye's chicken in one hand and a biscuit in another...fast forward a couple hours and I finished off an entire Amy's organic pizza.  Although the scale said 248 this morning, I know that the damage I did this weekend will catch up with me eventually.  Today was lunch out with some coworkers, tomorrow will be the same - I feel myself getting pulled back into the old habits and I'm scared.  It feels like the momentum I was gathering has stalled, and it would be so easy to order a pizza and wash it down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's...so very very easy...is this how heroin addicts end up on the streets again?

I'm trying to head this off at the pass before it becomes a full-on binge.  I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I can take the high road and dive back into my new life, or I can slide back towards my old self and then spend weeks fighting to get back to where I am now...I need an intervention, I need to take a stand!  I can't take the easy path, eating comfort food and lying on the couch, because although right now that is the path of least effort, it WILL NOT be easy to recover from a heart attack or stroke.  It will not be easy to take medication for type II diabetes.  It will not be easy to recover from a knee replacement when I am 60 years old and 300 pounds.

But what I really need to remember, every time I see a cookie or a slice of pizza...IT IS NOT EASY to weigh 248 pounds - nothing fits, I'm out of breath walking up 2 flights of stairs, I can't sit comfortably in an airline seat, I can't cross my legs, my wedding ring doesn't fit...in fact NOTHING about being overweight is easy.  Absolutely nothing.

Every Challenge Could Have Paradise Behind It

I have been struggling with my food intake for the past several days.  I haven't binged, but I haven't been making wise choices and have definitely not been eating mindfully.  Today in the car I was listening to a Blues Traveler song and the lyrics really resonated with me - I think I needed a reminder that changing my habits will not be easy but there's a reward at the end if I persevere:

Stand

The answers are getting harder and harder
And there ain't no way to bargain or to barter
But if you've got the angst or you got the ardor
You might faint from the fight but you're gonna find it
For every challenge could have paradise behind it

Poison

I've been trying to get a few things out of my life this year - things that I consider poisonous to my body in one way or another.  Artificial sweeteners are gone (almost 8 weeks now!).  I'm slowly eliminating processed foods from my diet, and I've been trying to stop drinking bottled water as well.  This last one was a New Year's Resolution which I have been about 70% good at keeping.  But there are those times (and they are becoming more frequent over the past few months) where I have forgotten my Nalgene bottle or I'm not near a source of tap water, and I'm thirsty.  So I give in and buy a bottle of (usually overpriced) water.  And vow to be better next time.

Today I read this post from EatingJourney that has renewed my vow to stop buying individual water bottles.  Not only is bottled water bad for me, but it is sooooo bad for the environment.  Please read it and think twice next time you are tempted to buy a bottle of water, or soda, or Gatorade...just think.

Book Review: MegaYoga by Megan Garcia

Megan Garcia's MegaYoga is quite simply an awesome book!  Although I found her video to be a bit lacking, this book more than makes up for it.

She demonstrates a wide variety of poses, including several more advanced moves, and for each one she suggests props or other modifications.  The photos are great, and the supporting/background information on the benefits of yoga is well written and informative.  Two thumbs up for this book - check out your local library to see if they have a copy, or pick up a copy here!

Perspective

This past weekend I continued sorting through boxes of old clothes, trying to find some goal outfits that would fit me 20 pounds from now, 40 pounds from now, and so on.  I came across this:

This is a tennis skirt I wore as a senior in high school.  It has a 26" waist.  Seeing this skirt, tangible evidence that I really was that size once in my life, brought me to tears for that 17-year old girl that thought she was fat.  I had no idea how bad things would get.

I first remember becoming aware of my weight in the 5th grade.  I wasn't skinny like the other girls but I was probably a normal weight for my age.  When I was 12 years old I weighed 128 pounds at 5'2".  That's when I went on my first diet - I wanted to lose 10 pounds.  Although I knew I wasn't fat, I was becoming chubby and felt inadequate.

I also had my mom's full blessing to do this, believe it or not.  For most of her life she was very thin - before she became pregnant with me at 40 years old, she weighed 108 pounds.  Weight problems, heart disease and diabetes run on both sides of my family, my mom struggled with her weight after my birth, and she was concerned that I was beginning to develop a weight problem.  In retrospect, if she hadn't made such a big deal out of my size I probably would have outgrown it and been fine.  Unfortunately she did make a big deal out of it, year after painful year, and although my weight remained pretty stable until I went to college, as soon as I was out from under my mom's control I rebelled and gained weight.  A lot.  Every year.  I used to dread coming home because I knew I'd get a comment, or a look, or even worse - an offer to reward me with money, clothes or something else if I'd just lose 50 pounds.  When she was really desperate she'd remind me that I would never find a boyfriend if I didn't lose weight. One time she even took food out of my hands...IN PUBLIC...saying 'you don't need to eat that'.  You can imagine the amount of resentment and anger that built up inside me, not to mention the underlying feelings of 'you don't love me because I'm fat'.  Tough stuff to cope with, that's for sure.  And my coping mechanism was food, so of course I gained more weight.

I don't blame my mom for my weight problem - I take responsibility for every bite that goes into my mouth, and every hour I've spent in front of the TV instead of going for a walk.  I understand that all her criticism came from her own low self-esteem, and that she truly thought she was doing the right thing by trying to get me to lose weight.  She wanted to me to be healthy, happy and to live a long prosperous life.  She just didn't have the tools to effectively deal with my emerging weight issues, because she didn't have the tools to deal with her own issues.  She loved me very much and tried her best.  I get that.

But it has taken me many, many years to understand my mom's actions.  I think part of the reason this particular weight loss effort seems so different than every other time I've tried is that I've finally forgiven myself and my mom for everything that happened in the past, and I'm looking to what lies ahead instead of regretting the past.  I can recognize when I'm eating to dull emotional pain or cope with stress - even when the pain and stress might not be obvious.  I can also recognize when I'm eating out of rebellion - someone will make an offhand comment that will sound so much like my mom's criticisms that I feel a sudden urge to eat something in response.  40 years of patterns are hard to change, but recognizing that you are human, that you make mistakes and that you can reprogram your destiny is the first step in the journey.  I feel like I'm finally at that point.

So I cried for that girl, because she had such low self esteem, because she didn't love herself enough to take care of herself, because she had no idea how hard it would be to take off the weight in 25 years.  And I cried for myself, for all the pain I've put myself through, for all the time I've wasted looking for happiness in all the wrong places, for all my regrets.  Then I dried my eyes, put the skirt into my 'goals' pile, and forgave myself for all my mistakes. 

It's likely that I'll never fit into that skirt again (although I will keep trying).  But I'm going to hold onto it as a reminder of the girl I used to be, and the woman I am now, and how much both of us have been through.  It's been a long, painful journey but we made it, and now it's our time to shine.

You Can't Eat Happiness

As I said goodbye to my 30s and turned the corner into my 40s I began to do some self-exploration about what I wanted from the rest of my life.  After years of accumulating 'stuff' and spending money, I've realized the hard truth that stuff won't make me happy.  Just like with food!  Happiness has to come from within - you can't buy happiness and you can't eat it.

I Took The Plunge!

Well folks, I took the plunge this morning and officially entered the 2010 Philadelphia Danskin SheRox Triathlon.  I'm super excited about it, and have started researching training plans.  I've had the book Slow Fat Triathlete by Jayne Williams on my bookshelf for awhile, and now it's time to pull it out and give it a read. 

I'm pretty sure I could complete the entire event right now if I had too - I'd need to walk most of the 5K, and I'd be dead last overall, but I could finish.  And with a little over 9 months to train, I've got nowhere to go but up!

Second Triathlon Training Goal!

Today was a frustrating day - for the second time, I attempted (unsuccessfully) to upgrade my laptop to Windows 7.  Simultaneously I was trying to learn to edit HTML code on my desktop computer (also unsuccessfully).  Perhaps my failures had something to do with dividing my attention between 2 things that really needed my full attention?

Regardless, by about 5pm I was so irritated and annoyed that I decided the only thing I could do was go to the gym and work it out on the treadmill.  And so it is with great pride that I announce to you.......drum roll please....I ran a quarter of a mile tonight!  Actually, I ran a mile and a quarter if you add up all my intervals, but one of those intervals was 3 minutes long at a 5mph pace, thus...A QUARTER OF A MILE!  Yippee!!!

Anyway, this was my second training goal (the first one is here) and I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.  I planned to be there by mid-December and I'm right on target.  Oh yeah - I also swam 300 yards without stopping after my spectacular showing on the treadmill.  Pat, pat, pat...

So I guess it's time to set my next goal...let's see, how about a 10 mile outdoor bike ride?  I don't know how realistic this is since I've only been doing spin classes and my actual bicycle is in the basement right now, covered with dust and sporting two flat tires...but there's no time like the present to clean it up and take it for a spin. 

Now I'm attempting once again to upgrade my laptop.  At least I'm in a better frame of mind to deal with it after getting some success into my day!  Let's hope the third time's a charm.

Layout Changes Ahead

This weekend I'm experimenting with different layouts and trying to teach myself enough HTML to play with my blog template.  Apologies in advance if you visit and see some strange things!

DVD Review And Some Cool Things I Found On The Internet

Yesterday I tried this DVD on for size (no pun intended): Yoga: Just My Size with Megan Garcia - a yoga workout designed with overweight people in mind.  Here are my thoughts:

This is definitely a good workout for larger people who are new to yoga - the poses were simple, gentle, slowly paced, and well explained.  In between standing and seated poses, instruction was given to help the student rise and descend gracefully and with purpose - not always an easy task when you have a lot of weight to move around.  To assure that the student gets the most out of the workout, alternatives were suggested for moves where body parts (for example tummy or breasts) might get in the way, or for moves where more strength is required to hold the pose (such as warrior).  Megan Garcia, who is also a professional plus size model, was a great subject for the video - her posture was beautiful and she flowed from pose to pose with grace.  The entire workout is about 25 minutes long from initial centering to the end of savasana.

Overall, this was a good beginner workout although there were a few things that irked me.  For example, I think it would have been good to add in some more difficult poses with modifications/levels so the user could improve with time and continue to use the same DVD.  As it is, I think that that most people will outgrow it rather quickly and need to find something more challenging.  The session was also a bit too short for my tastes.

Megan does not actually narrate the entire DVD - she gives a short introduction and then another voice takes over as she demonstrates the moves.  Her style of speaking during the intro is a little 'Stepford Wifey' and really freaked me out - so when the other voice came on at the start of the actual workout I breathed a little sigh of relief.  Interestingly, she gives an interview at the end of the DVD and sounds completely natural then - so I'm not sure why she was so uptight and weird in the beginning. 

At this point in my yoga practice I definitely need more of a challenge than this workout can provide.  However, I was intrigued that a workout targeted towards the overweight community even existed, so I did some research on the internet to see what else was out there.  I came across with a few more DVDs that I want to try:

• ShapelyGirl  - the creator of the Shapely Girl workouts, Debra Mazda, is right here in Philly and even has a fitness studio!  I'll definitely be checking out her classes at some point.
• Look Great, Feel Great: Plus-Size Pilates
• Ya Don't Gotta Be A Size 2 To Do Pilates
• Heavyweight Yoga (unfortunately this title is not available on Netflix or at my local library - but I did find a cheap copy on Ebay)
• Megan Garcia also has a book called MegaYoga, which received good reviews on Amazon.com.

I also ran across this article about a yoga studio in NYC: Buddha Body Yoga.  BBY is a studio where the classes are only for people who are overweight.  What?!?!?!  I am dying to take a class there to see what it's all about but unfortunately it looks like right now they are only held on Thursday nights and you have to buy a series of 4 classes.   Since it takes me a couple hours to get into NYC from Philly I'll have to wait until they offer something on the weekend.  But I'd love to hear from anyone else out there that either has tried this place, or lives close enough to try it!

Just One Day

Check out this challenge from Jenn of Watch My Butt Shrink - to have one day of greatness and stay 100% on plan.  I love this idea - I'm gonna give it a try too - make sure you pass the word.  Thanks Jenn!

More Favorite Fitness Things!

I can't believe I left 2 critical things off my list!  Here they are, making the list an even 10:

9. The mall.  Any mall will do, but of course my favorite is the King of Prussia Mall, which is enormous and contains lots of lovely stores.  The reason the mall is so critical to my fitness program is that it allows me to get activity over and above my normal workouts (or even instead of a workout if I'm taking a rest day).  Although it doesn't burn calories at the rate of a cardio workout (unless you're sprinting to get the last Zhu Zhu at a Black Friday sale), a few hours of walking around the mall will burn a few hundred calories, especially if you make a point of taking the stairs frequently.  And of course I love to window-shop so perusing the mall feels like self-indulgence rather than a chore.  It's not weather dependent, either!  Try it sometime - especially if you feel like eating when you're not really hungry - redirecting your attention to something fun can often head off a binge at the pass.  And the mall will definitely be in my arsenal of tools this holiday season - to counteract extra calories from Christmas lunches, holiday parties and the inevitable office full of baked goods, I'm going to go Christmas shopping for hours on end!

Please note, however, that you need to make sure you don't replace the urge to binge on food with an urge to shop til you drop (even though carrying packages around the mall might burn a few extra calories) - or you'll just be trading one unhealthy habit for another.  I almost fell into that trap on a Very Active Day and had to make a hasty exit! 

10. The Biggest Loser.  When this show first came on the air it was really more like guilty pleasure TV, but over the years this show has turned into so much more.  I'm always amazed each season by just how much the contestants are capable of.  At 400+ pounds, it seems an insurmountable challenge to lose a significant amount of weight, but these folks dig deep within and learn to love themselves and take care of their health.  Seeing someone succeed who started with the cards stacked so steeply against them is just about one of the most motivational things I can imagine.  It reminds me that anything is possible if you're willing to work for it.   And when the show is between seasons I even watch episodes from prior seasons (if you're wondering how I get the old episodes, whenever I see a Biggest Loser Marathon on a cable channel I DVR them to use for emergencies - but I think you can also get them on Netflix).

And speaking of Netflix - I put Yoga: Just My Size with Megan Garcia in my queue and it came in the mail today.  Yippee!  I mentioned this DVD a couple days ago as I heard it was a good choice for overweight people who want to start a yoga practice.  I'm going to try it out and post a review this weekend so make sure you check back here in a couple days to get the scoop!

Yoga - Not Just For Thin People!

Of all the new fitness activities I've tried this year, one of my faves is my weekly yoga class with Rena.  She  taught me that you can do yoga at any size - there are always modifications to help you get the most out of each pose.  I think this is such an important concept to get out there - yoga is for everyone!

One of my favorite poses is Adho Mukha Svanasana, or Downward Dog.  I did this pose often this past summer to help stretch out my tight calves while I was training for the 3-Day.   The pose looks like this (thanks to Yogajournal.com for the photos):

 

Right now, I don't have the flexibility to go as deeply into this pose as the limber woman above.  However, there are modifications I can do to get the full stretch out of the pose without tearing my Achilles tendon.  I use yoga bricks to sort of 'bring the floor closer' so I can still do the pose.  Behold the magic of yoga bricks:

Here is Triangle pose (Utthita Trikonasana) - great for strengthening core and legs.  I don't yet have the flexibility to bring my legs into such a wide stance, but I can still get a lot out of the pose by using a brick for support:

 

So if you are afraid to try yoga because you think you won't be able to do it, don't be!  Find a studio or instructor that can help you modify the poses, or do some research online.  My sources tell me that this DVD from Megan Garcia is an excellent starting point for overweight people that want to benefit from a yoga practice. 


This past week Rena suggested that I choose a 'goal pose' to work towards.  She loves inversions, so we chose Salamba Sirsasana, or Supported Headstand.  Some of the benefits of mastering inverted poses include enhance strength & flexibility, improved circulation, and most importantly the emotional benefit of overcoming fear.  You can read more about the benefits of inversions here.

The pose looks like this: 

My personal goal is to do this pose using a wall to rest my feet against.  To get to that point, I'll practice and master a series of  preparatory poses to get me used to the feeling of being inverted, and also work on building strength in my shoulders and core to be able to support my weight. 






Below is a photo of the first preparatory pose in my series.  My arms are in the same position as the Supported Headstand, but my head is not touching the ground.  My legs are extended to shift some of my weight onto my shoulders.  I'll repeat this pose several times and hold it each time to get used to the feeling of carrying my weight on my shoulders and also to get used to the feeling of being inverted.  Another pose that will help me prepare is Downward Dog.

As I progress with this pose I promise to post photo updates!

It's Not Just My Weight That Needs To Change

For the past  30 years, I have been struggling with my weight - that's no secret.  But for the past few years, there has been another equally difficult struggle going on inside me - I am not happy with the career path I've chosen, and I don't know what to do about it.  I make excellent money, and my employer provides great benefits (although they could definitely improve on our vacation allowance!).  I've had the rare opportunity to travel extensively as part of my job, including spending a significant amount of time in London (which is quite possibly the best city on the planet, IMHO).  Overall, I am very well taken care of.  And to top it all off, the job I do directly benefits cancer patients.  I am so unhappy with my job that all of these wonderful perks are no longer enough to make me look forward to going to work every day.  I have 20+ years ahead of me until retirement - do I really want to spend a third of that time miserable and unfulfilled?  

I won't go into the details of why I'm so unhappy with my job, lets just say I have my reasons and that finding a similar job with another employer isn't the answer.  Been there, done that.  It's over, I'm ready to quit.

But without a backup plan, how will I pay for food, the mortgage, utilities, not to mention a little pampering now and then?  My husband has a great job that he loves (or at least he's happier than I am right now) and could probably support us both, but without any children to take care of, I can't really justify becoming a stay-at-home...wife.  I need to bring home some bucks and contribute to our lifestyle.  I need a decent job, one that doesn't make me want to drive a fork into my eyes as soon as I sit down at my desk (that's an overstatement, of course - maybe a plastic spoon, but never a fork).

I think this internal conflict has been subconsciously contributing to my weight problem for quite some time - I'm unhappy at work but I can't just up and quit my job, so I eat to dull myself to the problem.  Frustrating meeting?  Stop at the vending machine on the way back to my desk.  Hate your new work assignment?  Pick up a pizza and a 6-pack on the way home from work.  Have to spend a week away from home for work?  Eat out every night and order high calorie food - you'll get back on track when you get home.  You get the picture.  Only now that I'm not using food as a coping mechanism, all of the things about my job that I've been ignoring can no longer be swept under the proverbial rug.

The solution?  Ideally, find a new mode of employment...one that I find fulfilling and exciting...one that doesn't make me overeat every day just to keep from losing my mind...and one that will also pay the bills with a little left over for fun.  But just like weight loss, I can't expect it to happen overnight.  I have some ideas, most of which will take awhile to come to fruition.  So in the meantime, I need to learn some new coping mechanisms to keep me sane and stress-free.

Any suggestions?

Milestones!

I hit a couple unexpected mini-milestones today:

1. The scale read 249 this morning, which means I am finally below 250 pounds.  Woohoo!
2. I am wearing pants and a sweater that definitely DID NOT fit 6 weeks ago.  Double-woohoo!

Yesterday I spent a few hours going through my closet as well as several boxes of clothes in smaller sizes.  I found 4 pairs of work pants & 2 pairs of jeans that fit me now, as well as a couple sweaters.  And!!!  And!!!!!!  I now have a small stack of clothes that are TOO FREAKING BIG! 

Life is good :)

These Are A Few Of My Favorite (Fitness) Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...bright copper ket....oh wait, that's someone else's list of favorite things!  

The list below contains a few things that I really rely on to keep me eating healthy, working out regularly and just generally motivated to keep making those lifestyle changes.  I thought I'd share them with you, and hopefully you'll have some to share as well - please feel free to post a comment!

In no particular order:

1. The Perfect Recipe for Losing Weight and Eating Great, an awesome cookbook by Pam Anderson.  Check out her recipe for mini-pumpkin muffins - I LOVELOVELOVE these yummy little muffins and frequently have 2 of them for breakfast with my morning latte.  I usually skip the orange glaze and sprinkle a few mini chocolate chips on top of each one a few minutes before I take them out of the oven - the calories are similar and I love the combo of pumpkin and chocolate.
2. My iPOD.  I'm honestly not sure if I could work out on my own without this thing - having all of my favorite workout music at my fingertips means I can make the most of every workout.  
3. Audiobooks!  When I was training for the 3-Day, many of my training walks were several hours long.  Although I did quite a few walks with my teammates, there were some that I did on my own.  These walks were also at a slower pace as I was building muscle endurance rather than cardio endurance, so motivational music wasn't all that necessary.  Listening to an audiobook felt like someone was walking along with me, telling me a story!  Some of my recent favorites include Eat Pray Love, Middlesex, Pretty in Plaid and The Help, all of which were downloaded directly to my iPod for a reasonable fee from Audible.com. 
4. Enell sports bras.  Even when I was at a nice healthy weight in high school, I was blessed with cleavage.  Fast forward 125 pounds and you can imagine just how...ummm...even more blessed(?) I am now.   Now think of how painful those blessings are when you are working out.  Fortunately, I came upon the Enell sports bra, which basically renders your chest motionless even during high impact activities like running or even jumping jacks.  They are pricey, but very well made and definitely worth the investment.
5. The Daily Plate on Livestrong.  This website allows you to track your food, weight and daily activity, and has an unbelievable list of foods from which to choose.  You enter your weight loss goals and the website provides an appropriate calorie target which you can supplement with exercise.  And as your weight decreases, your daily target decreases!  You can also generate reports and graphs of your daily intake and overall progress.  In addition to all that great personal stuff, you can form groups to share your 'plate' with friends to help keep each other motivated!  There are message boards and lots of informative articles about all aspects of fitness.  It's a great way to track your food, keep motivated and also learn a few things.
6. The internet.  Seriously, I search the internet daily for information about fitness, for like-minded people who blog about their experiences, and just for general information.  There are a ton of great podcasts & downloadable workouts out there (YogaJournal.com has some amazing yoga videos that you can stream absolutely free).  All of the major fitness and health magazines have websites with lots of articles as well as info that's not in the printed magazine, and at CookingLight.com you can get virtually all of the magazines recipes for free - with user reviews and a place to add your own personal notes.  And of course blogging has really helped me keep on track!
7. Wigwam Cool-Lite Pro socks.  These socks are blister-resistant (and believe me, when you walk 18 miles in one day without a single blister, you know the socks have something to do with it), cushy and durable!  They stand up to lots of abuse without showing any signs of wear.  I absolutely love them! 
8. My Wii!!!  There are so many great fitness games that you can get to go with the Wii - including the Wii Fit.  But honestly, my favorite is just the plain old tennis game that comes with the game console!  You're not going to get in killer shape using the Wii, but it will get you off the couch, having fun, and burning a few extra calories. 

So there you have it, my list of must-have fitness accessories and tools to keep me motivated and on track.  What's on your list?

Celebrity Chefs & Weight Loss

Apparently celebrity chefs struggle with their weight just like those of us that eat at their fabulous restaurants - check out this Time article.  I'm excited about the mention of Rocco Dispirito's new book, Now Eat This: Fried Chicken, Macaroni and Cheese, Brownies and 147 Other Favorite Dishes You Thought You Could Never Eat--All Under 350 Calories.  This would most definitely make my Christmas list if the release date weren't March 2010!

Jillian Michaels

For those of you that love Jillian Michaels (like me!) I have some good info:

The Jillian Michaels podcasts are still available online here!  These were originally broadcast on KFI in Los Angeles in 2008 and earlier, but for some reason she stopped broadcasting (Jillian if you're reading this please come back!!!)  To find the JM podcasts you need to scroll through the radio shows which are listed in chronological order.  Listen on your computer or download to your iPod.  Enjoy!

In other news, it looks like there's a new weight loss show in the works: Losing It With Jillian Michaels.  Open casting calls start in the next few days.  Can't wait to see this one when it comes out!

Holiday Strategies

I ran across this list on the Weight Watchers website this morning - sixteen great strategies for navigating the holiday season.  My favorites are 3, 14, and 16.  Personal training gift certificates will DEFINITELY be on my Christmas list this year!

Becky Griggs

Check out this story about Becky Griggs, a woman who dropped more than half her body weight and has changed her entire life!  She is inspirational to me in many ways - but especially because she is almost the same age as I am.  There's hope for me yet!

Pro-choice

One of my weight loss heroes is PastaQueen, author of Half-Assed (you can buy a copy on her website and I highly recommend it) - a woman who set her mind to it and lost half her body weight.  That is such a truly amazing accomplishment!

As I find my way on my own weight loss journey, I occasionally turn to her blog archives for inspiration.  Today I stumbled across a great post from January 2006.  Here are her wise words:

"When you have a lot of weight to lose, it can be very overwhelming to know that it will take a year or more to lose it all. The thing is, a year from now you're going to be a year older anyway. You can't stop time, but you can choose what you do in the next year."

So true!  As you all know, the waiting is something I continually struggle with.  Yes, I'm enjoying the journey and I know that every day I make good choices I'm also making new habits, and of course I know that I didn't put the weight on overnight, but still...sometimes I wish I could just wake up thin.  The quote above is a great reminder that every day I and only I  have the choice to make decisions that will either serve my ultimate goal, or take me backwards.  I choose to move ahead.

Calling All Readers!

Today marks exactly four weeks since I began blogging regularly! I’m pleased as punch with this milestone, as past blogging attempts have not lasted beyond a day or so. I expected to have some fun with this blog and maybe learn a thing or two about myself, but I wasn’t prepared for just how helpful it has been to keep me motivated and honest! Having a place to document both successes and struggles has become such a crucial part of this project that I think it would feel like losing a friend if I were to stop now.

So in that spirit, I’d like to use this post to recognize everyone that reads my posts and say thanks for bearing witness to my journey! Up to this point my entries have been completely selfish – I only write about what I’m interested in, or what I’m feeling at the moment.  I still plan to cover those topics, but I’d also love to write some posts in response to reader requests – what would you like to read about? Are there any activities you’d like me to try and report back on?  I’m always willing to be anyone’s guinea pig! Are there any topics you’d like to see on a regular basis, maybe a weekly series?  Is there anyone out there who would like to do a guest post on a topic close to their heart?

Feel free to leave a comment with your requests, or email me directly at shrinkingjill@gmail.com.  Hope to hear from you!!!

Kripalu Yoga

Tonight I tried Kripalu yoga at Twisters, a class advertised as gentle yoga.  The room itself was very nice - plain walls, shiny hardwoord floors like you'd find in an old gymnasium, and modern track lighting.  Unfortunately the sound system wasn't functioning properly so we did the session without music.

The instructor, Teri, was a substitute and so this class may not have been representative of the usual one.  Regardless, it was a good class with a mixture of flowing movements and static poses.  The session definitely lived up to its name - the poses were simple and not strenuous on any joints, and Teri showed us ways to make them more or less challenging depending on our abilities.  There were many familiar poses as well as a few that were new to me.  The class ended with Savasana, during which Teri actually massaged everyone's feet.  This was truly an unexpected treat (and from what I understand, not what the regular instructor does).  Although the class was less challenging than my Wednesday sessions with Rena, I did leave feeling relaxed and centered - mission accomplished.  

Afterwards I did a bit of research on this style of yoga.  To my untrained eye, the only differences I noticed were the absence of sun salutations (which I really missed) and the simplicity and ease of the poses.  Turns out that in addition to the gentler poses, this style of yoga emphasizes meditation, physical healing and spiritual transformation.  Kripalu also tends to appeal to seniors (in fact, a couple women in the class jokingly referred to it as 'old lady yoga') as well as the overweight. 

So there you have it, my report on my first Kripalu yoga class.  I will most likely give it another try when the regular instructor returns - just to see what, if anything, she does differently.  Honestly, the class was very nice but I think in general I enjoy a slightly more strenuous practice.

It's a Thanksgiving Miracle!

This morning I was delighted to step on the scale and find that I have passed the 10 pound mark - a milestone made all the sweeter because it happened over Thanksgiving!  I attribute this success to a few factors:

1. Planning ahead to manage the T-day feast
2. Extreme diligence over the past week with counting calories
3. Daily 400-calorie workouts
4. Extra activity wherever possible.  For example, my husband needed to return some library books on Saturday, so I suggested we walk the half mile to the library instead of dropping them off the next time we were driving by. 
5. Habit - over the past month, I have gotten into the habit of eating smaller portions and eating more fruits & veggies, so it didn't seem like a chore this week to keep up with that routine. 

Overall I'm very pleased with this week's performance.  I feel like this was my warmup for the big event: Christmas.

In other news, this past week my inlaws were visiting.  Their visit gave me the incentive to visit Twisters (a local yoga and fitness studio) - my husband's mom really enjoys yoga, and Twisters offers a 1-week guest pass.  The pass allows you to try all of the classes for free (normally they are $15 each) so I suggested that she give it a try.  When she reported back that the studio was very nice, I decided to take advantage of the same offer.  So yesterday morning off we went - she to a Vinyasa Flow class, and me to a Spinning class.  To date I've tried 3 classes at LA Fitness and enjoyed them, but the class at Twisters was a cut above - the room was spacious, well-ventilated, clean and had a wall of cubbies where you could store personal items.  The instructor was on a platform so you could see exactly what she was doing, and the bikes were in excellent condition and nicely spaced apart (read: I wasn't bumping shoulders with my neighbor).  The music was pretty good too, and most importantly it was LOUD.  And finally, the room was private - no windows where the general gym population could stand around watching you struggle and grimace!   So 2 thumbs up for Spinning at Twisters.

Mom-in-law told me that she enjoyed both of her yoga classes, and that the students were all very experienced.  Of course, this is completely intimidating, but in the spirit of Getting Over Myself, I'm going to try a few of the classes this week anyway.  I survived the spinning class, right?  Tonight I'm planning to try the Kripalu yoga class, which is described on the schedule as 'gentle yoga'.  As a yoga newbie, I think this will be just my speed.  Later in the week I'll try Hatha yoga, mat pilates, Body Pump and hopefully reformer pilates if I can get into the class (which is limited to 5 participants).  After each class I'll report back on my experience.

Running & Weight Loss

I love running!  Although I can't sustain it for longer than a minute right now, I look forward to the time when my runs are 30 or more minutes long.  Several years ago, I was able to jog 5 miles or more at a time, and after the first mile or so the feeling was just incredible.  One foot in front of the other, the rythym of my breathing, letting my thoughts drift - I really miss that.  One of the things I loved most about running is the zone I would get into - unhurried, relaxed and feeling like I could just go on and on forever.  My runs were about enjoying the journey, not worrying about the destination. 

Today's treadmill workout felt like one of my old runs.  After a 5 minute warmup, I did 12 intervals - a minute at 5 mph, then a 2 minute recovery at 3 mph.  Total distance at 5mph was 1 mile, a new record.  And during the entire workout I felt so peaceful and strong.  I didn't set out to do so many intervals, I just kept doing one after the other because it felt soooo good.  Don't get me wrong - it was really hard and I left the treadmill with shaky legs and sweat stinging my eyes - but it felt good nonetheless.  As I started my swim, I reflected on why I was able to go so much farther today than last time - and I think it was because I wasn't really focused on a specific goal for the day, instead I just worked on putting one foot in front of the other and observing how my body felt.  Once there was no endpoint, I felt free to let go and just be.

Something really clicked with me right there in the pool - I realized that if I take the same approach to weight loss I might be more successful in developing healthy habits.  Rather than putting my main focus on how much I lose every week, what if I put my focus on navigating each food choice in my day, and enjoying the glow of success everytime I make a choice that serves my overall goal?  Is it possible to get to a point where I actually enjoy the weight loss process instead of resenting it?  Where building new habits becomes a pleasurable experience instead of a chore?  I think it is very possible, and as I shift my way of looking at this whole experience I'm starting to look forward to the next food choice as a chance to put another success under my (ever-loosening) belt.

Calling All Emotional Eaters

Mary, of A Merry Life, posted an incredibly insightful entry today about emotional eating.  You can read it here.

As a long-time emotional eater, I found this post to be a great reminder of why food is not the answer!

Thanksgiving Success Story

Turkey Day has come and gone and I have one more thing to be thankful for this year - my plan worked!  My total calorie intake was about 2600 for the day - higher than a normal day, but definitely low considering the damage that could have been done.  I burned about 400 calories on the treadmill in the morning, took the dog for a half-hour walk in the afternoon, and stayed pretty active all day with prepping and cooking dinner.  Breakfast was bran flakes, one clementine and about 15 almonds.  Lunch was toasted naan with homemade hummus, followed by a couple of gingersnaps.  At dinner, the "veggies first" strategy worked well - I only had room for about half a plate of turkey, stuffing and potatoes, and only had one slice of pie.  Between workouts and a high level of activity, I managed to end the day without a calorie surplus to burn off on Friday.  Woohoo!

The capstone to the day was a late night shopping trip with a couple girlfriends - we decided to take advantage of the crazy sales at the Philadelphia Premium Outlet Mall!  Stores began opening at 11pm, so at 10:30 we got on line behind about 200 other people (yes, you read that correctly!) to snap up some Black Friday bargains at the Coach outlet.  We entered the store at about 11:45, bought a few things, then split up after that and shopped individually for another couple hours.  By 2 am I had 3 large bags - carrying them from store to store and weaving around a ton of other shoppers was definitely a bonus workout for the day!  Traffic was horrendous on the way out, but we made it home successfully, and after taking a few minutes to gaze lovingly at our new purchases we went our separate ways for the evening.  I finally got to bed around 3:30 and slept right through breakfast this morning!  Today will be a day of light eating, and due to many sore muscles from all my workouts this past week, I will have a rest day and just putter around the house instead of hitting the gym.  It feels so good to have made it through Thanksgiving without a load of calories to work off!

Thanksgiving Day - Bring It On

Hello out there in blogland!  With the inevitable Thanksgiving feast just around the corner, I've been giving some thought to how I will navigate the 'feastivities' without completely going on a food bender and putting myself in the position of feeling guilty & disappointed in myself. 

I am hosting a small T-Day this year – myself, my husband and his parents. Unlike my family, my inlaws prefer to eat dinner late in the day, around 5-6pm. I’m used to a dinner time of noon, after which there is usually a nap, much watching of TV, and then more feasting on leftovers. This year will be different.  After a month of keeping the momentum going, and losing 8 fatty pounds, I can't afford to derail my progress and backslide. So it was necessary to devise a master plan to keep my mojo going:

T-Day Plan Part 1:
There will be a good long workout in the morning, most likely step class and then a relaxing swim. A light lunch, and then some yard work or a long dog-walk in the afternoon while the turkey cooks – keep that calorie burn going!

T-Day Plan Part 2:
At dinner, many of the traditional foods will make an appearance: cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, apple pie, and stuffing (mom-in-law makes an incredible sticky rice stuffing with chestnuts – I will try to steal the recipe and post it later this week).  However, I will also be steaming lots of healthy veggies (green beans, brussels sprouts, broccoli) to accompany this feast.  The centerpiece of my plan is to fill my ENTIRE plate with veggies, eat them all, and only then enjoy the usual treats and eat until I am nice and full.  I’m hoping that I will be pretty well filled up with veggies before I start on the high-calorie stuff and thus will not have the belly space to do too much damage!  In addition, a later dinner means only one feast, rather than a second round of eating after a long nap. 

T-Day Plan Part 3:
Since this party is at my house, I need to worry about LEFTOVERS!  The final piece of my grand plan is to make smaller quantities of everything, so that the leftovers are gone by Friday and I can get back to my usual eating routine without the temptation of tasty treats in the fridge.

This is a new strategy for me - usually I just try to control my portions and fail miserably, thus triggering the guilt, disappointment, and mental flagellation routine - and then inevitably eat more to numb the bad feelings.

For more thoughts on Thanksgiving, check out this great post by MizFit. What are your plans for navigating this tempting holiday?

Quickie

Crazy busy week, not much time for a real post, so I'll leave you with 3 quotes that I have taped to my computer monitor to keep me focused.  All of them are related to things that I struggle with - obsessing over past failures, wanting instant results and letting myself get discouraged when I encounter difficulties in my journey.  Enjoy!

Don't look back - you're not going that way

Change happens over time in repeated attempts

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal

First Training Goal Achieved

Last night I achieved my first triathlon training goal: swim 200 yards without a break.  A small goal, yes - but more than I could do three weeks ago, so I'm feeling pretty good about that!  I've decided my next goal will be to jog 1/4 mile at a 5 mph pace.  Right now I can jog about a minute at 5 mph - so I basically need to work up to 3 minutes of jogging to hit that quarter mile target.  Hopefully I'll be there by mid-December!

There, I've Said It: I'm Afraid

A wise woman (my awesome trainer Rena) once told me that all human emotions are derived from fear or love.  A wise man once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".  As I slowly work my way back to fitness, I find that there are a lot of big and little fears emerging from the background noise of my brain.

Many of them are quite rational.  We all have them.  What if I can't stick to my new habits?  What if I try a new fitness class and everyone laughs at me?  What if I fail?  I can deal with these fears, because they are conscious, rational fears that every normal person experiences.  But there are other, less rational phobias lurking in my subconcious...

About five years ago I had an interesting experience in a department store dressing room.  I had lost about 40 pounds - which at that point meant I was closing in on 190 - and was trying on some new clothes.  I caught sight of my rear view in the mirror and realized that my shape was really changing.  A waist was emerging, my butt undeniably smaller.  My legs becoming strong, toned, and...dare I say it...shapely!  My initial reaction, however, was not one of excitement and joy, as you'd expect.  No, I felt a stab of panic.  And a little nausea.  A few days later I fell off the wagon and haven't seen that weight since.

Over the past few weeks, I've given a lot of thought to that moment, as well as all the other times I lost momentum and drifted back to my old habits.  At the time, I didn't recognize my reaction for what it was - fear of the new person that was emerging.  After some thought, I'm realizing that there is a lot of unrecognized fear within me:

What if I lose all the weight, and all my problems are still there?
What if I lose all the weight, and I'm really unattractive?
What if I lose all the weight and I'm unhappy with the person I've become?
What if people have different expectations of me as a thin person?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I still...feel...FAT?

As hard as it is to admit, I think I'm afraid of the thing I have wanted more than anything else since I was about 14 - being thin.  I've always thought that being thin would solve all my problems, make me a different person, and just generally ensure that my life would be perfect.  But deep down, I know this is not true, and I'm starting to believe that's part of the reason I've had so many failures over the past 28 years.  Every time I make visible progress towards my goal, I revert back to my old habits and gain everything back, plus more. 

I know how to lose weight - my relapses have nothing to do with unsustainable fad diet plans.  The magic formula is: eat less, move more.  Choose healthy nutritious foods free of artificial ingredients.  Lots of veggies and fruits, go easy on the processed carbs.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator, keep active, build muscle and bone strength.  Eat when you're hungry, eat slowly until you're full, then stop.  Don't use food as entertainment or medication.  There's really no other way, but making those choices day after day is HARD WORK.  How can I succeed at something I secretly fear?  Can you imagine the conflict that goes on inside...the struggles...the pain?  I'm finally starting to understand why it is so difficult to say no to that second helping of pasta, that extra brownie.  It's my subconscious saying 'hell no, we don't want to be thin, that's scary!'.  I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.

Right now, I don't have any answers.  This time around, my goals are no longer just about being thin - I want to conquer the fears that keep me from living a full, healthy life.  And exposing those fears is the first step to squashing them completely.

Mini-success

Tonight I had yet another work-related celebratory event to navigate - and I am proud to say that not only did I manage not to exceed my calorie goal, but today's overall calorie count was the lowest of the week!

I managed the evening by staying far, far away from the snack table, and leaving when my parking meter expired - a perfect excuse to cut out before I drank too much and lost my willpower.  That should be it for the work events for quite awhile, phew!

Wanted: Your Weight Loss Tips - Cookbook Giveaway!

Tiffany at From 12 to 6 is sponsoring an awesome giveaway this month - just post a weight loss tip to her site and she will enter you in a drawing for a great cookbook by Ellie Krieger!

You can check out the contest HERE.

Don't delay - the drawing is November 24th!

Squeeze It In!

I sit at a desk all day, either on the phone or computer, often both.  Most days, I can feel my butt getting mushier with each passing minute.  Sometimes I stand up while I'm on the phone, hop from one foot to another, or try to pace around the 4x4 space as best I can.  But now....

I can SQUEEZE IT IN!

www.squeezeitin.com is a really cool website - with photos and videos - to show you how to fit exercise into your daily life.  Here's a quote from the site:

"SqueezeItIn.com is a whole new way to think about exercise. With SqueezeItIn.com every chore, every errand, everything you do is an opportunity to get firmer, slimmer, stronger. Missing a day at the gym doesn’t have to mean missing a workout when you learn how to SqueezeItIn.com."


There are exercises you can do while you're in the car, cooking dinner, on the playground, and best of all, while you're at work!  Here are a couple of my favorites that are great when you're on the phone for long periods of time:  Squeeze Backs & Countertop Pushups.
  
I came up with my own exercise - I call it "Sitting On Air Instead Of Your Chair":

This move is basically just a wall sit.  Find a wall (a solid wall, not a cubicle wall, and preferably not in a high traffic area), lean your back against the wall, and slide down until your thighs are parallel to the floor and your knees are at a 90 degree angle.  Hold til it burns!  Stand up, shake it out, repeat a few times until it's time to go back to work.  Hmmm...I might need to write to the Squeeze It In folks to suggest this one!

NOTE: One thing that really helps if you're a desk jockey is to invest in an inexpensive wireless headset for your desk phone, which keeps your hands free to do other things, like Pushing Paper.  Unfortunately, it also makes you look a bit like a telemarketer...

Impatient, Discouraged and Re-energized

Today I was feeling both impatient and discouraged.  Impatient, because I've been at this for a few weeks and my pants don't feel any looser, and discouraged, because I am starting to feel overwhelmed about the huge task I have before me - although I don't have a firm goal weight in mind, I kind of like the idea of getting to 160 - which is about 100 pounds from now.

There's not much I can do about the impatience - I know if I trust the process, the results will come.  And although I've lost about 5 pounds in 3 weeks, I can't expect to see visible results on my waistline for awhile.  But what I can do is appreciate the muscle tone that I feel developing under all my insulation and use that as my confirmation that I'm making changes to my body.

Feeling discouraged - well, that's more of a concern to me.  That type of emotion can quickly lead to giving up entirely, and I need to nip that in the bud before it takes hold.  I talked over my concerns with my awesome trainer, Rena Raso, and she suggested some realistic long term goals might be in order.  My first thought was 'I want to be small enough by next August to fit into an XL wetsuit for the triathlon'.  So we talked about what that weight might be, and I think that would be about 190 pounds.  Which is about 70 pounds in 9 months.  Breaking it down further, that's about 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds per week.  Which might be attainable for the first couple months, but as my weight decreases, so will the number of calories I burn...and so will the amount of food I can eat to maintain a 2 pound per week loss...and.....hmmm.  I'm not a contestant on The Biggest Loser - I have a real life to live with social activities and a full-time job.  Rena suggested that a more reasonable goal might be 10 pounds a month for the first couple months, then 5 pounds per month after that - a little over a pound a week - a 500-600 calorie deficit per day.  So I've set my sights on losing 50 pounds by July 1, 2010, or a mid-term goal weight of 212 pounds.  This means I might not be able to get a wetsuit that fits me before the triathlon, but really, it's only a half-mile August swim in the Schuylkil River, not a winter crossing of the English Channel.  I think I'll survive.

Now that I have a concrete goal in mind, I'm feeling much more energized and excited!  I've already lost 10% of my 50 pounds, and suddenly I see progress instead of stagnation and frustration.  And I'm thinking about mini-fitness goals to set as well - such as being able to jog for 5 minutes, swimming 200 yards without stopping, and conquering some of the yoga poses I've been struggling with.  And for those of you who would like to follow my numerical progress I have added a stats bar to my page for weekly updates, to be accompanied by occasional 'Now' pictures. 

I'd love to hear from everyone out there - what are your goals?  Do you prefer to break things up into mini-goals, or just keep your eye on the prize and work towards one big goal?

Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone

This has been a challenging week for me, food-wise.  Not because I have been battling my compulsive eating demons - they have actually been at bay the last few weeks, for which I am grateful - but because in an 8-day period I had plans to eat out for dinner 4 times.  All were celebratory dinners of one sort or another, and I never pass up a chance to celebrate!  I decided that moderation would have to be the theme of the week, and for the most part I was very successful.  As I wrote last Sunday, I counteracted a big dinner on Saturday night by declaring the following day a Very Active Day.  I navigated Monday night's buffet dinner by arriving late enough to skip the appetizers, picking a few foods for dinner and taking small portions, and leaving before dessert was served.  Friday night's dinner was sushi in moderation.  Last night's dinner, however, was another story - we were going to a really nice Italian restaurant in the East Village and I made a conscious decision to eat whatever struck my fancy as long as I didn't eat til I was sick.  So...3 glasses of wine, 1 beer, half a loaf of bread with olive oil, 2/3 of a calzone and several bites of tiramisu later I was starting to feel very full and VERY sleepy (a major signal that I've eaten too much) so I stopped without finishing dessert.  And then I was immediately thinking of how I was going to counteract the debauchery on Sunday.

Today has of course been about keeping up my activity levels and keeping down my calorie intake, but I decided that I needed some mental reinforcement to avoid sliding down that slippery slope of "well, I really messed up last night so what's one more day of eating badly".  So I pulled out the big guns - 3 podcasts from Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone. I've had these on my iPod for a few weeks and was saving them for a time when I really needed the support.  So I listened to them today as I walked around the mall, went grocery shopping, and futzed around the house. 

These ladies ROCK!  The Fit Chicks are Shauna Reid (The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl) and Carla Birnberg (MizFit), both of whom have a lot of experience with fitness & weight loss.  Each episode is about an hour long, and has a theme of some sort - my favorite was Goals Goals Goals!, where they shared and discussed ways of setting realistic goals, working towards achieving goals, how to deal with obstacles, and of course recognizing yourself for accomplishments.

There was a lot of great information in the Goals Goals Goals! podcast, but the concept that resonated most with me (after eating such a huge meal on Saturday night) was this: Question everything you do, and ask yourself if it is bringing you closer to your goal.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, and you are contemplating eating a candy bar...or 3 glasses of wine and a calzone...ask yourself if this choice will bring you closer to your goal.  If the answer is no, and you decide to eat the candy bar anyway, you are making a conscious decision to do something that won't bring you closer to your goal.  There certainly is a time and place for making such decisions, but asking yourself the question will take the process out of your subconscious and give you the opportunity to say no with a rational mind.  As someone who has a real problem with eating while not paying attention, I think this is a tool that could really help me.

Anyway, you can subscribe to the podcast and listen on your MP3 player, or download the programs and listen to them from your computer.  I highly recommend checking them out - the entire production is very well done and fun to listen to - I can't wait for the next episode!

Knee High Boots

I have ached for a pair of knee-high black leather boots for quite some time.  But alas, after I passed the 200 pound mark many, many moons ago, this dream faded into the background.  For those of you with have no idea what I'm talking about...well, knee high boots are made with standard-sized shafts (the part that covers your leg from the ankle to the knee).  Unfortunately, nature is not selective with her fat deposits and many overweight women have large calves - knee-high boots won't zip past our ankles.  Sigh.  I really love shoes, partly because I can actually walk into any store and pick out a pair of designer shoes that fits perfectly (this is absolutely not the case with clothing, but that's a rant for another day).  Not being able to have the boots of my dreams is a source of frustration for me.  Recently, however, I discovered that some boots are offered with wider calves - and that Zappos has a wide (no pun intended) selection.  Yippee!  Problem solved!  I particularly love Zappos because they offer free shipping, coming and going.  This means you can order as many shoes as you want, in multiple sizes, and it won't cost you any extra cash.  Then you can try the shoes on with everything in your closet, wear them around the house for awhile and really get a sense of whether they will work for you.

But I digress.  Earlier this week I ordered 7 pairs of 'wide shaft' boots and they arrived last night.  I tried them all on and.........dammit!  My calves are STILL too big!  There was one pair that did fit, however the back of the boot was made of this coarse stretchy material that looked really ugly - fine if I was wearing pants over the boots, but I also want to wear them with skirts.  Sigh again.

So all the lovely boots are going back, and some of them were incredibly lovely.  Which brings me to the ultimate point of this post - there are so many things that I literally can't do or have because I'm too fat!  Not because I'm too self-conscious, or because I need to build up the strength, but things that are physically impossible for me.  Here is my top 5 list (in no particular order):

1. Crossing my legs
   
2. Finding knee-high boots that don't look orthopedic
3. Walking into a designer store - and walking out with something besides shoes, a purse or a scarf
4. Doing unassisted chin-ups (some of you might say this is something I could do if I built up the strength, but c'mon - I would have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to lift my current body weight)
5. Wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring at the same time without cutting off my circulation
   

For those of you with weight to lose - what's on your list?

Biggest Loser: Shay

I don't know about all of you, but I watch The Biggest Loser every week for inspiration.  The determination, the courage and the honesty shown by the contestants, well, it just about makes me cry during each episode.  These folks dig deep!  My favorite person by far this season is Shay - she has a mountain of weight to lose as well as many personal problems to overcome, but she battles her demons with intensity and dedication, and takes such pride in the positive changes she's made.  This week, I was so devastated to learn that she was voted off the ranch - and there was no update provided at the end to show her progress at home.  So for those of you who are wondering how she's doing, here's a video from the NBC website as well as a before and after comparison.  Made me cry all over again - she is an amazing woman.  Keep up the great work Shay - we are all rooting for you!

Hip Hop Class: The Great Equalizer

I posted yesterday that if I got the chance to dance in public, I would.  Well....my gym recently added a hip hop aerobic dance class on Thursday nights.  This is actually something I've wanted to try for awhile, but as usual I felt awkward and self conscious.  It always helps my confidence to have a buddy when doing something new, so I asked a friend to go - but she had plans for the next few Thursday nights.  So in the spirit of Get Over Yourself Day, I decided to go by myself tonight and see what the class was like.

The students were a mixed bag - a lot of young, fit women in cute outfits, a couple women my age, one or two women my size, and a much older man wearing a bandana around his head.  Much to my amusement, he planted himself right in the front row and proceeded to get right down with his bad self!   Anyway, the majority of the students were in great shape, and intimidation started to creep in.  I reminded myself that these women were going to be so busy checking out their moves in the mirror that they wouldn't be bothered looking at my spastic dancing all the way in the back row.  And honestly, my only expectation of this class was to get a good cardio workout and maybe learn a few moves to try out on a dance floor - not to end up as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

I am sorry to report that I am not an undiscovered dance prodigy.  In fact, I am SPECTACULARLY BAD at hip hop dancing.  And I felt really uncomfortable for the first several minutes of the class.  But then, something happened.  The music was really good, the instructor was enthusiastic, and somehow I just let myself go.  I 'unclenched' and just felt the music, and next thing I knew I was jumping around without caring what anyone else thought and I was having a blast!  Seriously, this class was so much fun!  And here's the best part - when I finally took a break to catch my breath, I saw the most amazing thing...all those skinny girls, in the cute little outfits...they were just as uncoordinated as I was!  I couldn't help but laugh to myself - I was so worried I was going to be the only one that couldn't dance, but the reality was sooooooo different.  In spinning class everyone was super fit and knew all the moves.  In hip hop class we were all equal, regardless of shape or size.  Suddenly I was no longer intimidated - we were all on the same playing field.  I swear my dance moves got a little better after that (but this is probably just my imagination).

We did 40 minutes of hiphop, another 10 minutes of salsa and chacha, and then one African tribal dance that was really fun.  My heart rate stayed above 150 for the entire class and I was drenched in sweat at the end of the hour.  I learned lots of new moves, most of which involved sticking out my butt and/or rolling my hips.  I am great at sticking out my backside, but the hip rolls, well I need some work on them.  It just doesn't come naturally!  But overall, this class was a great confidence booster, and most importantly I managed to forget myself for awhile and just have some pure, unadulterated fun.

Get Over Yourself

Have you ever felt self conscious?  Perhaps about a specific physical feature, such as your nose, your hair, or your ears?  Think that you can't dance, worry if your butt jiggles when you walk?  Everyone has something about themselves that causes them to obsess - but what happens when that obsession grows to the point where it interferes with your ability to enjoy life?

I have really fat arms (there - I've said it out loud) and usually try to cover them up.  Other parts of my body are just as flabby, but for some reason my arms are a source of torture.  Six months before my wedding, I went dress shopping with my mom and sister, and picked out a gorgeous strapless white dress that we all loved.  I thought I had plenty of time to lose weight and tone my arms.  Alas, that did not happen.  Big surprise - why would I think I'd be able to change decades of habits at one of the most stressful times of my life?  The wedding arrived and of course I had lost nothing - and had no choice but to wear my strapless, sleeveless, nothing-left-to-the-imagination dress.  And guess what - it didn't matter!  I didn't think about my arms at all and had a blast - I felt beautiful and sexy and just like a princess the entire time.  The proof is in the pictures - nobody is staring in horror and in every shot I am glowing with happiness even though my flabby arms are there for all to see - flapping in the wind on the dance floor in all their doughy glory. 

My point is this - so often I let myself miss out on a fun experience because I am self conscious.  For example, I rarely dance in public because I am worried about how I'll look.  As a result, I often end up sitting around at parties watching everyone else have fun.  This is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live like I did at my wedding - having the time of my life, feeling beautiful, and not caring what anyone else thinks.  Because really, nobody has time to worry about what I look like - they are too busy worrying about themselves!  It's time to stop the madness.  For one whole day I will just 'be' - I will not worry that others are judging or thinking negative thoughts about me - when they are most likely wondering if they have food from lunch stuck in their front teeth.  I declare today to be Get Over Yourself Day!  And if I have a chance to dance in public today, I'm gonna do it!

I would love to hear from all of you - what are you self conscious about?  How is it holding you back in life?  What will you do today to get over yourself?

Walk this way

One of the benefits of working for a ginormous pharmaceutical company is the concern they have for employee health.  We have numerous fitness perks - within a 5 minute walk of my building there are volleyball courts, tennis courts, an outdoor track and even weight watchers meetings.  The latest is a 'walkstation' which is exactly what it sounds like - a work station where you can walk.  It is essentially a treadmill with a desk, but it is also set up with a laptop docking station, phone, monitor, mouse and keyboard so you can actually work while you're walking.  The max speed is 2 mph to assure safety, the desk height is adjustable, and the walkstations are located in private conference rooms so you can use a speakerphone rather than hold the receiver to your ear.

Behold:

Today I had a couple of teleconferences scheduled first thing in the morning, so I thought I'd give the walkstation a whirl.  It took a few minutes to figure out how to get everything up and running, but once I got my computer fired up and the desk height adjusted, everything fell into place.  In addition to the tc's I had scheduled, I wanted to bang out a couple memos and read some documents, so I tried all 3 activities during the 45 minutes I was walking.  Here's the report:

1. You cannot type accurately at 2 mph - the best speed for that activity is about 1 mph
2. I was definitely breathing a bit more rapidly at 2mph than if I was just sitting at my desk. So for teleconferences, 1.5 mph seems to be a better pace (to assure I don't get an unexpected phone call from HR).
3. Reading the computer screen requires neither manual dexterity nor the ability to speak without panting, so 2mph was just right for trolling through long documents.
4. In 45 minutes I walked a little over a mile and burned almost 200 calories, which is about 150 more than I would have burned sitting at my desk.
5. Next time I will not wear itchy wool dress pants.
   

All in all, I give the walkstation 2 hearty thumbs up.  The conference room was really large with a great view of the local landscape and was also well-lit and private.  The treadmill worked great and the adjustable desk height meant that I could stand up straight while working.  It was fun, gave me measurable results on my output and was easy to use.  I booked it again for next Thursday morning!

Bodybugg report

Yesterday's burn: 3440.  Calorie intake, 1850.  Deficit: 1590.  Oh Yeah!!!!

Good thing, too, because tonight is a company dinner and the menu has not been published.  Going to go light on food at breakfast and lunch and hope there are some healthy choices for dinner.